Biden’s Told Aides He Wishes Presidents Weren’t Constitutionally Required to Set Gas Prices

Published on

In recent days, sources close to the situation have reported that President Joe Biden has expressed misgivings about some of the duties of his job description. Namely, Biden has confided in aides that he is quite unhappy about the Constitution mandating that the President of the United States set all gasoline prices across the country.

“President Biden came into the Oval Office quite downtrodden this morning. He told us all that he couldn’t believe the founders sidled him with being the Gas Price Czar, and he was really confused about how they knew about gasoline more than a hundred years before cars were invented,” one aide told us this morning in a telephone call.

MORE: Ukraine Government Designates Dead Russian Soldiers as Gender Neutral Public Bathrooms

“Apparently, the president spent quite a lot of time going over the Constitution with a magnifying glass and a nice warm cup of tea. He wasn’t able to find anything at all in the entire document that mentioned gas prices, so he thought he was off the hook. However, then he caught part of a Fox News report that blamed recent spiking gas prices on him, and figured maybe he’d missed something, and went back over the Constitution again.”

Though Biden couldn’t find anything in either of his searches that indicated the Constitution gives the president the authority and duty to set gas prices, our sources say he’s still very much in the mindset of wanting to work toward bipartisan compromise. Therefore, he’s taking Republicans on “good faith,” our source said, that the Constitution does actually require him to set all American gas prices.

“Everyone on Fox seemed to think that he not only sets American gas prices, but that he’s somehow responsible for when gas prices go up in other countries,” our source explained.

“Despite his misgivings, the president thinks it’s time for the nation to heal, and he’s willing to take what the Fox News automatons implied about his role in setting U.S. gas prices at face value. He’s going to conduct himself accordingly, and set gas prices globally. As soon as Lord Soros indicates how high those prices need to be, he’ll issue a new memorandum and that’ll be that.”

MORE: DeSantis Bans Rainbows From Appearing After Florida Rainstorms


Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Donald Trump Finding Out

Well...shit. How did this end up happening, anyway? Doesn't everyone indicting him understand the rules have...

I Live in Arkansas. Can My 10 Year Old Work as a Bouncer at a Drag Bar?

I moved to Arkansas before I was a father, so I can't say that...

Jesus: “Silencing Transgender People Isn’t Christian, It’s Cunty”

"I specifically told people to stop being judgmental little twatwaffles to everyone." In Montana, elected...

A Complete List of All the 2024 Presidential Candidates Currently on Trial for Rape

In New York City, a former President of the United States is being sued...