Biden’s Name Won’t Be on New Checks Because He Already Knows What It’s Like Signing Checks That Won’t Bounce

Published on

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When the first round of pandemic economic impact payments went out to Americans last year, the man who occupied the Oval Office made sure his name was on any paper checks that were sent. He sent a letter to recipients who didn’t get a check, ensuring that in some way, shape, or form, his name was attached to the payments, seeking to get credit for the financial benefits. However, his successor has already said the new round of stimulus payments will be signed by an authorized member of the treasury instead.

“Look here, Jack, I already know what it feels like to sign my name to a check that I know won’t bounce,” President Joe Biden told reporters in the Oval Office this morning. “The last guy? Not so much. I could see why he’d be tempted to have that feeling for once in his worthless life, though.”

MORE: President Biden Apologizes to Neanderthal Americans

Since taking office, Biden has moved swiftly to reverse several administrative and executive policies and actions taken by the previous president. He’s canceled the White House subscription to former First Lady Ivanka Trump’s OnlyFans. Biden has also canceled the Space Force mission to establish a McDonald’s on the moon. Not putting his name on the stimulus checks, Biden said, is just one of many ways he will draw sharp distinctions between himself and his racist troll predecessor.

“We’re not researching windmill cancer vaccines, and we’ve disconnected the White House from the renewable white power grid as well,” Biden announced. “Lots of changes coming up, Buster Brown, so I hope everyone is buckled up for them.”

MORE: McConnell Blasts Senate Dems for Considering Change to Rules He Never Followed Anyway


Like what you read? Consider signing up for my free newsletter, becoming a paid Facebook subscriber.

If you want my satire completely ad-free, just sign up for my Patreon at any level.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

If I Don’t Have a Biden Flag, Biden Shoes, or Biden Bible, Am I Really Voting for Biden?

PROF. McTERRY: And who won the election? JAMES: Well, I don't fuck my cousin, so I know...

I Asked a Klansman If He’s Voting For Biden Since They’re Both Democrats. He Punched Me.

"Man, it's really true what they say about Democrats. They're snowflakes." We all know a...

For Conservatives, Fart Naps Are Quickly Replacing Power Naps

"While some might casually observe the irony in someone who belittles his opponent as...

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...