Don’t ask me how it happened, but it would appear that someone at CNN accidentally forwarded me a copy of some of the questions that will be asked of current President Joe Biden and current 34-time convicted felon Donald J. Trump when they square-off on the debate stage tonight. I figure though, it’s best not to look a gift accidental email forward in the mouth, and in the interest of achieving one of the goals of The Political Garbage Chute, I’m not going to keep this information from the voting public.
Here are a few of the questions, organized by who will get to answer first.
President “Sleepy” Joe Biden
- As someone who went to middle school with him, what do you think President Lincoln would have to say about the coup attempt on January 6th?
- Have you seen your son’s dick pics from his laptop, and did they make you want to vote for your opponent?
- Did Barack Obama give you the combination to the vault where he put everyone’s guns, or is George Soros the only one with that information?
- Which meal is your favorite to have the White House staff cook and then blend into an octogenarian-friendly smoothie?
- Why doesn’t your longform birth certificate list your name as “Brandon,” Mr. President?
- Boxers, briefs, or those old-timey underwear with the butt flap that you’d also use as pajamas?
- Do you really think the country is ready for an old, white male president?
- How low does the unemployment rate have to be for you, as a full-blown communist socialist, to believe it has been completely destroyed?
- Do you have a message for the children being born today whose lives will be impacted by the policy decisions made by a man born almost a half-century before their grandparents? Oh, wait sorry, climate change will make sure they never get to ask any questions to begin with.
- How soon will you appoint Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Taylor Swift, and every winner of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” to the Supreme Court, should you win a second term?
Former President “Rapey” Donald Trump
- Would you care to defame or slander your rape victims at the outset, or during your closing rant, sir?
- Will you pledge to spend zero taxpayer dollars on golf outings or subscriptions to any of your children’s OnlyFans accounts?
- Did you just fall asleep and fart on stage, sir?
- Do you plan to bring Stephen Miller back as your speech writer, or will he be the Secretary of Race War this time around?
- Which meal is your favorite to have the White House staff pick you up from McDonald’s?
- Which verse in the Bible tells Christians it’s okay to raw dog porn stars while your wife is pregnant with your fifth child from your third marriage?
- Will the Department of Justice approve putting the Oval Office’s Resolute Desk in your jail cell, and would your cellmate have to promise not to touch your big red Diet Coke button?
- Does your vice presidential pick need to also think Ted Cruz’s wife is ugly? Or just be willing to submit to an angry mob and be hung in front of the capitol?
- Have your lawyers advised you on the legality of your First Lady and First Born daughter being the same woman?
- Did you just fall asleep and fart on stage…again…sir?
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