WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, NBC News hosted the second consecutive night of the first round of debates in the 2020 Democratic presidential primary season. But while many this morning are talking about who “won” or who “lost” the debate, the biggest, loudest buzz is being generated by a rather unexpected development. This morning, former Vice President Joe Biden and Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont held a press conference and announced that they were going to break away from the rest of the field and form their own, new political party.
Teddy Roosevelt famously started the Bull-Moose Party when he was unable to secure the Republican Party’s nomination around the turn of the 20th century. Not since then has a prominent politician made such a move. Pundits aren’t exactly sure what impact the new party could have on the 2020 race, or President Trump’s hopes of winning re-election.
“WE ARE HERE TODAY TO ANNOUNCE SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL,” Sanders yelled into the microphones, despite the fact that the reporters were just a couple of feet at most from him, “WE ARE GOING TO FORM A NEW PAHTY, AND THAT PAHTY WILL NOT BE PRO-MILLIONAIRE OR BILLIONAIRE!”
Biden interrupted Sanders.
“WELL, LET’S NOT GO MAKING DECISIONS TOO HASTILY, BERNIE,” Biden interjected. “I HAPPEN TO THINK BILLIONAIRES AREN’T BAD ALLIES TO HAVE.”
Sanders pantomimed tipping his cap to Biden.
“GOOD POINT, JOE! GOOD POINT. WE MUST START THIS NEW PARTY OFF ON THE RIGHT FOOT, WITH A TONE OF TRUE CIVILITY AND CALMNESS,” Sanders said. “WE MUSN’T SHOCK OR FRIGHTEN ANYONE! AM I RIGHT?!”
Biden laughed and slapped Sanders on the back.
“YOU ARE VERY RIGHT, BERNIE! SHOULD WE TELL THEM THE NAME OF THE PARTY NOW,” Biden asked Sanders. “I THINK WE SHOULD.”
Sanders agreed.
“I AGREE, JOE. FOLKS, THE NEW PARTY IS CALLED THE DE-,” Sanders started.
Biden interrupted.
“WAIT! BERNIE! I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA GET TO MAKE THE OFFICIAL NAME ANNOUNCEMENT,” Biden asked. “CAN I DO IT?”
But Sanders wanted to be the one to announce the name.
“I WANTED tO BE THE ONE TO ANNOUNCE THE NAME, JOE,” Sanders said.
The two looked at each other for a moment. Biden leaned in close to Sanders and shouted in his face.
“CAN I HAVE A QUICK MOMENT IN PRIVATE WITH YOU, BERNIE,” Biden asked, grabbing Sanders by the elbow. “LET ME WHISPER SOMETHING IN YOUR EAR.”
Sanders agreed to have a quick sidebar with Biden.
“BERNIE, I THOUGHT OUR DEAL WAS I GET TO BE THE PRESIDENT ON THE TICKET, WHICH MEANS I GET TO ANNOUNCE THE NAME,” Biden whispered in his own way. “WHAT GIVES, MAN?!”
Senator Sanders smiled jovially.
“I AM SORRY JOE! I GOT CARRIED AWAY WITH THE MOMENT,” Sanders apologized. “WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. BUT WHAT IF WE ANNOUNCED THE NAME OF THE PARTY TOGETHER?”
Biden scratched his chin thoughtfully.
“YOU KNOW BERNIE OLD BOY, THAT’S A GREAT IDEA! WE’LL ANNOUNCE IT TOGETHER, ON 3, READY,” Biden asked his friend. “1! 2! 3!”
Both men took a long, deep breath before shouting in unison.
“THE DECIBELCRATS!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
