“It gives me great pleasure, Donald, to tell you that.” – President Kamala Harris
It’s not the first time a former president has been pardoned by someone who assumed the office after a resignation. But it is the fist time a president pardoned a former president from the opposing political party. Granted, the pardon that was issued wasn’t for any of the crimes he’s alleged to commit, but in a stunning turn of events, this morning President Joe Biden abruptly resigned the presidency, handing control of the Executive Branch over to Vice-President Kamala Harris.
Then, the first female president did something perhaps no one thought would happen — she issued a presidential pardon to incoming rapist-elect Donald John Trump.
Denizens of MAGA-Land may want to hold off on popping those champagne corks just yet, though. President Harris’ pardon does not cover much of anything that Trump could potentially face consequences for, presuming he doesn’t reach those Big Golden Arches in the Sky during his second term.
“Thanks Joe! It feels real nice to be the 47th president! I hope this doesn’t mean that a bunch of slack-jawed, moronic pieces of shit in the Bible belt don’t have to throw out all their 47 merch and laser-off their 47 tattoos or anything. It’s in keeping with this country’s rich history of giving women just a fraction of what men get just for showing up,” President Harris said as she signed Trump’s pardon papers, “and it gives me great pleasure to sign this pardon, which I hope brings lots of real healing to Americans. Even the ones who know what their daughter’s underpants smell and taste like.”
As she swerved her hand over the paper, signing what is likely to be the only official document of her very short tenure as president, Kamala explained what she was pardoning Trump for.
“Okay, so this pardon is going to cover a lot of stuff; bear with me,” Harris said. “It won’t cover any of his actual crimes, but it will cover his crimes against human decency. So as I sign this, I hereby use my powers as President of the United States to pardon Donald Trump for being an unctuous twat, a pugnacious conman, a daughter-lusting creep, and for both napping and farting, simultaneously.”
Harris paused, and looked right into the camera.
“You are hereby forgiven for being such a vile human being. It gives me great pleasure, Donald, to tell you that.”
President Harris can still be heard cackling within a six-mile radius from the White House.
Got twenty minutes or so? Check this out.
