WASHINGTON, D.C. — The government must remove any and all references to “capitalism” from the United States Constitution by the end of next week, according to a new order just signed by President Joe Biden in the Oval Office this morning. Biden’s order demands that the Constitution, and several other key documents, be revised so that the word “capitalism” does not appear in them at all.
“Listen here, Buster! Anyone who has followed my political career for the last fifty or so years knows one thing about me,” Biden said as he signed the order, “and that’s that I’m a hardcore, card carrying communist. I’m not even a socialist like Barack Obama! I go further than he ever could, trust me. Yup, that’s the Ol’ Joe Biden everyone who’s been in D.C. for half a century knows and loves most — the radicalized, far-left communist.”
He doesn’t support Medicare for All. He doesn’t want to pursue forgiving too much student loan debt. In fact, there are very few policies that Biden supports that most Americans would even remotely consider to be left-wing, but he said this morning that shouldn’t “fool anyone.”
“When people think of me, Sport, they think of a guy in a beret or one of those revolutionary hats that they wore down in Cuba during their revolution,” Biden continued, “spouting off about how we need to dismantle the system, seize the means of production, and end American capitalism as we know it.”
Biden stretched and yawned from behind his mask as he pressed on, signing the document that would strip “capitalism” from the Constitution for good.
“As best as I can tell, the quickest way to achieve that is to make sure that our Constitution doesn’t take a stand on the economic model we use, one or the other,” Biden said. “Once we do that, we can shape this country in any way we want to. But not until we take an eraser to every single instance of that blasted word we can find!”
The White House estimates that it could take a few years to find and delete every instance of “capitalism” from the U.S. Constitution.
“It’s taken us a pretty long time to find the first one,” one anonymous source told us, “so God only knows how long it’ll take to find them all. Oh crap, please don’t let President Biden hear that I used the word God unironically. We’re all godless amoral libtards around here, and we need to maintain that image! ALL HAIL LORD SOROS! ALL HAIL LORD SOROS!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.