WASHINGTON, D.C. — Education Secretary Betsy DeVos issued an official memorandum today indicating that she would like the nation’s schools to “get back to the basics” and to “focus on what really matters in students’ lives.”
“We are heading headlong into a new century, and thus,” DeVos’ memo states, “we are going to be heading into a new era in the Department of Education. We will be returning to the Three R’s, except with what I like to call the ‘DeVos Twist.'”
Secretary DeVos in her memo outlined three key revisions to the age-old educational adage about “reading, writing, and arithmetic.” Instead, DeVos says the DOE will issue guidelines for a “Trumpian Era direction.”
“From here on out,” the memo states, “the three R’s of education will be Reading the Bible, Reciting the Bible, and Regurgitating the Bible. There is no more knowledge that any human could possibly need than that which was provided in the good book. There is literally nothing that has happened in the 2000 or so years since it was written that really needs to be discussed all that much in American classrooms.”
According to the memo, a student’s day in class should include “at least three hours” for reading the bible. Each class session should have at least fifteen to twenty minutes of scripture recitation to ensure the students are absorbing their education. Lastly, all tests should be replaced with material that quizzes children on how well they can regurgitate scripture, and bonus points should be given for showing the ability to wrench any conversation back over to the topic of God, Jesus Christ, Heaven, eternal damnation, or football, since it’s God’s gift to America.
“If it’s a science test, make sure at least 75% — that’s two-thirds in Trump math — of the questions relate to when, how, and why God designed things that way,” DeVos’ memo explains, “or if it’s a math test, ensure that each math problem’s answer never exceeds 6,000, the confirmed age of the planet. We can’t have children knowing higher numbers exist. That leads to way too many questions, and as we all know questions are the last thing students should be encouraged to ask.”
Co-President Trump told reporters this morning he “absolutely friggin’ loved” DeVos’ memo and he is in “total agreeance” that she will “take learning our children seriously and in the right direction.”
“Betsy is going to do a tremendous job,” Trump said, “and when she’s done you won’t hardly know whether you sent your kids to Sunday school or real school for eighteen years. Now, I know what you want to say, but save your breath, there’s no need. I already know what you’re going to say, and therefore know exactly how to respond before you even say it. You’re welcome.”
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