WASHINGTON, D.C. — As he was leaving the press conference where he announced his nomination of Merrick Garland to fill now-deceased Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia’s vacant seat on the bench, President Barack Hussein Obama shocked the press, his country, and the entire world by endorsing Donald J. Trump for president in this November’s contest to replace him.
According to President Obama, it’s the dogmatic sycophancy of his political adversaries that pushed his political compass toward Trump.
“If I told people to keep breathing,” Obama explained to reporters, “Republicans would start wearing plastic bags over their head in protest of me.” Obama said that in the past he’s considered using a similar “reverse psychology” technique to get Republicans to sign-up for Obamacare by telling them not to.
The president also has, in the past, considered telling gun owners to buy a whole lot of guns, and make sure they keep them unattended and loaded, so that toddlers can find them and shoot their parents or themselves. Obama said the “challenge of governing those who don’t want to be governed and who literally do the opposite” of what he thinks is right, “even if it evades common sense” also drove him to endorse Trump.
“I figured maybe this was the best way to stop Trump; by telling Republicans to go ahead and vote for him,” Obama said with a smirk, adding, “it’s worth a damn shot. To the surprise of absolutely no one, the GOP itself can’t stop Trump because they made Trump.” Obama said that watching Republicans try to corral The Donald is “like watching Victor Frankenstein try to capture his monster alive.”
Obama was quick to point out that while he’s endorsing Trump now, things could change within the dynamics of the race that would make him change his endorsement.
“If Donald Trump drops out,” Obama told the media, “or if Ted Cruz suddenly becomes the front runner, then I’d also endorse him. Normally as a sitting president I’d say the hell out of this, but we really can’t afford a reality-TV proto-fascist or an American Taliban member running this country. That’s why I’m breaking precedent and endorsing them both, now. So go out and vote for either Trump or Cruz, America, just remember when you do, you’re doing what President Barack HUSSEIN Obama wants you to do. Think about that.”
