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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less a long-distance relationship with your cult leader's dick?" A lot of folks online have been noticing that elected congressional Republicans have been showing up to support Donald Trump while he's put...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that training at The New School might have paid off." Well, the stage seems to be set for at least a couple of debates between incumbent President Joe Biden and the man...
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Lifestyle

Mike Pence Keeps Writing “1819” On All His Checks And Policy Proposals

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- High Priest Reverend Pastor Vice President Mike Pence is like any...
Lifestyle

Man Sufficiently Apathetic About Crossing Off New Year Resolution To Accept Reality Of Meaningless Existence

Every year, millions of people make New Year's resolutions. Some want to get skinny,...
MAGA News

Trump Offers to Send Rakes and Paper Towels to Australia In Exchange for Its Electoral College Votes

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump sent the Prime Minister of Australia an offer...
MAGA News

Donald Trump Lists ‘F_ _king Your Mom’ as Only New Year’s Resolution

Donald Trump has a very short, not so sweet list of New Year's resolutions.
Lifestyle

He Would Rather Be Homeless in California Than Live in Alabama

LOS CONSERVATIVOS CHINGANDOS, CALIFORNIA -- This morning, a day after Christmas, impeached President Donald...
Women's Rights

Study Confirms 100% of Abortions Still None of Your Fucking Business

Several red states are in various stages of implementing sweeping abortion bans aimed squarely...
MAGA News

TIME Promises Trump They’ll Name Him “Obnoxious, Petty, Self-Aggrandizing C_ _t of the Year” in 2020

This morning, the world's most most powerful petty and jealous man in the free...
MAGA News

Study Confirms Stephen Miller is an Ugly, Racist, Balding C_ _t

A new study from the National Institute of Studying Really Obvious Stuff (NISROS), published...
Arts & Entertainment

Online Petition Requesting CBC Cut Trump Out of “The White House” Reaches 150 Million Signatures

CANADA -- The Canadian Broadcasting Company edited out then-Citizen Donald Trump's cameo in the...
Lifestyle

Man Would Rather be Homeless in California Than Live in Alabama

LOS CONSERVATIVOS CHINGANDOS, CALIFORNIA -- This morning, a day after Christmas, impeached President Donald...
Religion

Jesus Writes Op-Ed In Favor of Removing Trump From Office

Jesus Hubert Christ made headlines over the past weekend by writing and publishing a...
U.S. Politics

McConnell: “Mulvaney Might Have TOO MUCH Evidence That Exonerates the President to Choose From”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The congressional stalemate over the delivery of President Trump's articles of...
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Latest articles

Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)