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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less a long-distance relationship with your cult leader's dick?" A lot of folks online have been noticing that elected congressional Republicans have been showing up to support Donald Trump while he's put...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that training at The New School might have paid off." Well, the stage seems to be set for at least a couple of debates between incumbent President Joe Biden and the man...
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MAGA News

Lindsey Graham Doesn’t Think Senate Should Return Until He Can Fit His Mask Over Trump’s Nuts

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) can be counted among the elected Republicans...
MAGA News

Vice President Pence: “I’m Just Used To Leaving the House With The President’s Rectum Covering My Face”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- High Priest Vice President Mike Pence held a hastily thrown together...
MAGA News

Trump Reassures First Lady Coronavirus Is Not Sexually Transmitted

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This afternoon, the president held a press event in the White...
Science & Medicine

Protesters Demand Right to Congregate During Zombie Outbreak

ROMERO, MICHIGAN -- A group of about three hundred took to their local city...
MAGA News

New Poll: 75% of Americans Hope Trump and Kim Jong-un Share a Cardiologist

The results of a newly conducted and released poll seem to indicate that nearly...
MAGA News

Mike Pence Asks Heaven If Jesus Could Join Coronavirus Response Team

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- Jesus Hubert Christ, the Executive Vice President of Trinity,...
Science & Medicine

UPDATE: No YOU’RE Drinking Too Much During the Coronavirus Quarantine, Asshole!

Oh, oh, you think I've had too much to drink, do you? You think...
Science & Medicine

Dipshits Flock to Beaches to Help Stop Stopping Spread of Coronavirus

Researchers at the Centers For Uncontrolled Diseases excitedly announced today that, thanks to this...
MAGA News

55,000 Dead Americans Agree: It’s Important to Recognize How Mean The Press Is To Trump

As of the time of publication, the United States of America has officially reported...
MAGA News

Eric Trump’s Family Spent Four Hours Explaining Why He Can’t Inject Himself With Lysol Wipes

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- This weekend, the Trump family held a Zoom video...
MAGA News

Trump Supporter Not Sure He Has Enough Bleach for Robes AND COVID-19 Vaccine

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- Right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins makes no qualms...
MAGA News

Trump Supporter’s Veins Feel Clean and COVID-Free Right Before He Dies

LAISOLE VALLEY, ARKANSAS -- Doctors attending to his final moments say that Hoss Huckleberry,...
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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)