WINDY FALLS, MINNESOTA — For years, Commander Glenn Mitchum has dined out on the fact that he is one of a handful of humans that have spent time on the moon. Mitchum’s friends have been getting regaled with lunar legends ever since he returned from his mission all those years ago.
“I imagine I’ve probably heard ol’ Glenn tell us his moon stories, oh, I don’t know, at least six or maybe seven dozen times in my life,” Mitch’s longtime friend Harold Miller told us. “And I just never get tired of them, you know? He tells the best stories!”
Recently, though, there was a bit of controversy in Windy Falls when Cmdr. Mitchum was forced to come clean about one of his stories being a fabrication, and those in the know say that he’s hopeful his admission doesn’t throw the cold water of skepticism over his entire astronautastical career.
“Friends, I’ve come here today to address a rumor that started a few weeks back and now, I confess, I must address the veracity of those rumors,” Mitchum said before a packed City Hall last Thursday. “Long story short, the rumors are true. It was a hoax. A big, fat, undeniable hoax.”
Gasps of shock reverberated throughout the room.
“Say it ain’t so, Glenn! I grew up listenin’ to you tell your astronaut stories down in front of the liquor store and tobacconist,” Susan Wifflemyer told him. “So you’re saying it was all lies? You didn’t really go to the moon?”
Glenn laughed nervously.
“Oh, no, Susie, I went to the moon. I’ve shown you my collection of rare lunar metals and alien genitalia we found on that secret burial ground on the dark side,” Glenn said. “No, I mean, The Story is a hoax. The one I told the most.”
Another, louder shocked gasp filled the room again.
“No! Not the orgasm story! Tell me it’s not the orgasm story,” Billy Schaller exclaimed.
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Cmdr. Mitchum hung his head. There it was. The nut had been cracked open and so it was time for him to shoot his wad.
“Yes. Sadly, Billy, that’s the one,” Glenn said to still more audible groans, sighs, and exclamations of disbelief. “It’s true, I went to the moon, but I never came on it.”
Over the years, one story in particular had become the most popular — when Glenn was able to have an orgasm on the moon. Many people, it turned out, are curious about what it feels like to “shoot your goo,” as Glenn would call it, in lower gravity situations. When he’d tell the “moon shot” story as it was came to be known, people would always stop what they were doing and gather around him, listening with feverish intent.
“I faked it. I just…faked it,” Glenn said. “I don’t know if I was tired from the trip or I just wasn’t feeling what the moon was giving me at the moment, but, well, I faked it. And I’m so sorry, to all of you. I guess ol’ Glenn really stepped in it this time, didn’t he? I hope you can forgive a friend.”
There was a brief moment of silence in City Hall. Then, in unison, the group erupted.
“NO!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
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