“…my wife and I weren’t planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However, now that I’m going to be bogged down with extra paperwork if I do, I can say pretty unequivocally we likely won’t be rolling through the state any time soon.”
You can probably imagine my confusion when I opened up the mailbox yesterday afternoon to find an official-looking envelope from the State of Arizona. I don’t live in the state, but there the letter was in my mailbox anyway. As surprising as it was to get mail from Arizona, the really baffling thing was what the envelope contained.
“Dear Sir,” the letter began, “the Supreme Court of Arizona recently upheld an abortion ban that was written during the Civil War era. As one might readily conclude, that ruling effectively gave control of every person’s uterus in the state to their closest male companion, spouse, friend, or significant other. Included in this envelope is the title, or ‘pink slip,’ for your spouse, friend, or significant other’s uterus.”
Reading further, Arizona officials explained why I was getting the pink slip for my wife’s uterus, even though we don’t reside in there.
“You may receive a uterine title – even if you are not currently residents of the State of Arizona – in case you and a woman you are in a relationship ever visit here. State law will require you to license and register your wife/girlfriend/lover’s uterus and vagina with the official agencies listed on the included info sheet within an hour of crossing state lines.
You will be required at the time of registration to provide proof of ownership of any uteruses in your current possession. Please keep this uterine title safe. However, copies can be purchased for $500, and all proceeds will go the Donald Trump Rape, Defamation, and Fraud Fine Fund.”
To be honest, my wife and I weren’t planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However, now that I’m going to be bogged down with extra paperwork if I do, I can say pretty unequivocally we likely won’t be rolling through the state any time soon. If Arizona can figure out how to restore my wife’s agency over her own genitals, though? Who knows, maybe we can go visit the Grand Canyon or something.
For now, I’m just going to put the uterine title in a folder in my filing cabinet where I also have my Antifa membership card and my copies of Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate. I figure that way, if the shit goes down, and we need to travel through Arizona for some reason, I’ll know exactly where to find them.
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