SARAJEVO, BOSNIA — Speaking to reporters outside a Bosnian bar, the disembodied spirit of the late Archduke Franz Ferdinand attempted to allay and assuage the fears of the citizens of Earth, in the wake of the assassination of Russia’s ambassador to Turkey earlier this week. Andrey G. Karlov, the Russian ambassador to Turkey was gunned down by a 22-year-old man that authorities are saying was a cop who was off-duty at the time. Amid shouts of “God is great” and “don’t forget Syria,” the man shot and killed Karlov in front a of a stunned press pool.
The assassination of an official member of state in this area of the world immediately brought to many peoples’ minds the killing of Archduke Ferdinand, whose murder is widely credited as having touched off World War I. Ferdinand today broke his silence of over 100 years to address Karlov’s assassination.
“I’m here today to tell you all,” Ferdinand announced, “not to worry too much about the assassination of Andrey G. Karlov. Sure, any time someone in power, or connected to someone in power is killed it has potential for bad, unforeseen consequences. And sure, Russia’s president is a guy who has a hammer and thinks he’s surrounded by nails, but really, it’s all good.”
Mr. Ferdinand said that in his “estimation” there isn’t much for the world to worry about right now.
“I mean, I’ve been dead for a long-ass time and I didn’t even live to see the majority of the last century,” Ferdinand said, “but it’s not like you guys have to really worry about a great war breaking out. After all, that’s what we fought our war for…the war to end all wars, remember? I bet there wasn’t another World War, let alone another war period, after the war my death started was finally concluded, right?”
One reporter from a local Bosnian newspaper removed their smart phone from their pocket. They Googled “all the shit that happened in the last 100 years” and handed it to Ferdinand. After an hour of rolling on the floor, blown away by the depth of information and level of technology in his hands, the archduke finally composed himself and read a couple of the many synopses of the last century that the reporter had provided him. He nodded, knowingly.
“Oh, yeah, okay,” Archduke Ferdinand said, “I was like, way, way off here. You guys are pretty much totally fucked, regardless.”
Another few moments passed, and Ferdinand was still holding the smart phone.
“What else can you do with these things,” the archduke asked, “you have the collected wisdom of the entire species at your fingertips! This is tremendous! You must do amazing things with this!”
Over the next several hours, the reporter showed Ferdinand Instagram pictures of food, Donald Trump’s 3am coke-fueled rage tweets, Facebook meme requests for thoughts and prayers, and roughly 2.3 zetabytes worth of online pornography.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
