SCUMMANVILLANEE BAY, MINNESOTA — Phillip Patterson is as about as die-hard a Star Wars fan as you will ever meet, but he says he plans to continue to boycott every single new film in the franchise until Disney either sells the property, or they stop “shoving their cuckish, pro-cultural Marxism down the true fans’ throats.”
“Every single new thing they’e done to my glorious Star Wars has been in an effort to cuck it the fuck up,” Patterson recently raged to fellow members of the Facebook group Star Wars: Everything and Anything. “I’m ready to keep this boycott going forever and ever, and I will kill this franchise before I’m forced to watch another Asian woman or strong female central Jedi character!”
Patterson is among a slew of men in the group who decided to boycott “Solo: A Star Wars Story” when it hit theaters last month in protest of the last film in the franchise, “Star Wars; The Last Jedi.” Patterson was irate at the inclusion of the Rose Tico character, played by Asian American actress Kelly Marie Tran. Ms. Tran recently announced that she would be leaving social media platforms due to the virulent, angry, threatening backlash from fans like Patterson, who boasts about his “trollery” of Tran and John Boyega, the black actor who plays former Stormtrooper Finn in the new trilogy.
“You know, back in my day Star Wars knew that it should stay out of dumb shit like identity politics, and we didn’t need no Chinese characters telling us to fight for what we love,” Patterson commented. “This bold cuckery that Kathleen Kennedy is forcing on the true fans has to stop, fam!”
Phillip doesn’t deny he’s racist, sexist, or otherwise generally bigoted. He does deny, however, that his prejudices make him a bad Star Wars fan. In fact, he said his hatred of all things non-white in Star Wars is exactly what the film franchise needs to protect it from “falling to the forces of libtardation.”
“We all know that one of the underlying themes of the first trilogy was that white people have a rightful claim to always be the majority simply because they’re white and they should never be forced to confront a world in which not everything is specifically tailor made for them,” Patterson said as a matter of fact. “So for Kennedy and Disney and all their little Nazis — not the good kind of Nazis that protect white culture of course — can piss off out of my Star Wars forever. I am saving this franchise with my hatred, not ripping it apart at the seems!”
The next Star Wars film is slated for a 2019 release date.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
