SOMBRERO DE ESTAÑO, TEXAS — The alt-right media has been abuzz with rampant rumor and speculation after InfoWars founder and host Alex Jones admitted under oath that he is in fact former President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya).
The admission came as Jones/Obama fought in court for custody of his children with Jones’ wife, who has said in open court that she doesn’t want him to have custody because of the things he says on his show. Jones’ lawyer initially argued that he was just playing a character on the show, which sent an initial shock wave through his audience. It seemed to imply he might not believe the outlandish things he sells his audience as truth. However, Jones/Obama would later tell reporters outside a Texas court house, that he had to “come even cleaner” about who he really was.
“Make no mistake,” Jones/Obama said, “I am in fact President Barack Obama. I just really wanted to make a quick few bucks off the backs of simpleton rubes. So I did the whole Alex Jones thing in white douchebag face. I always sounded like an authority to my audience because I was using real information from my day job as president.”
Jones/Obama said that the schedule was grueling, and he never seemed to have enough “me time” but that it was worth it being both president and the chief agitator of right-wing conspiracy theorists.
“You just don’t know how exciting it is to play people like that until you do it,” Jones/Obama explained as he started to remove layers of latex from his face, slowly revealing former President Obama underneath, “and I’m not saying I’d do it all the same way again, but you know, YOLO! Or since I know Sharia Voodoo, YOLT!”
Mr. Jones/Obama, his face now almost fully exposed as that of just Obama’s, admitted that he “always knew the super smart people” he was “duping like the sheeple” he called everyone else, but that it was still “very worth it” at the end of it all.
“I would just like to tell any conservatives out there watching,” Obama said, “that they should be very pleased with what I did. Not because it fooled them into believing utterly stupid shit about me for eight years. Not because they then turned their anger over bullshit right-wing conspiracy theories into an electoral victory for the dumbest, least-qualified man to ever hold the office. But you should be pleased because I did it for money, and I know that you know that I know that we both know that you love money so much you forgive every crime and sin committed in the pursuit thereof.”
This is a developing story.
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