MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA — Alabama Republican Jeremiah Hampton is very concerned about what’s happening way up north in the State of Wisconsin. Hampton is so concerned about Republicans in that state and the law they just passed that not only limits the kinds of foods those on public assistance — known more commonly as “food stamps” — can purchase, but also forcing all those who take public assistance to submit to a drug screening that he is hoping his own state’s legislature will enact the bills he’s proposing in response. So is Hampton outraged over the abuse of the poor in Wisconsin and wants to ensure that least among them in his home state of Alabama are never treated the same?
Not quite.
“I don’t want those Yankee Red States to out-conservative us down here in the Bible belt — the true Mecca of Conservatism in America,” Hampton told The Political Garbage Chute in a recent interview. “I don’t think drug testing welfare poors and limiting the kinds of foods are enough, actually,” Hampton told our reporter. “How do we know for sure that they don’t fake their way past the drug screening with a friend’s pee, you can check out the other drug detection rates here if you don’t believe me. Loads get through and then turn around and sell their food stamps for actual cash and go out and buy junk food with it? We have to do something to ensure that the standards of austerity we expect from our state’s poors are respected and followed.”
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So Hampton is proposing that all those who are get food stamps in his state submit to a drug test, agree to not purchase any junk food, and then he takes it one step further in his law by requiring all those who get assistance to have their stomachs pumped every week, to ensure that nothing is in their system that the state doesn’t approve of. “These people are taking money out of the pockets of the nation’s richest, most well-off and therefore most advantageously positioned. They need to live their lives with respect for the fact that they might be keeping a Job Creator from creating a job, or worse, buying his next vacation home,” Hampton said.
“We simply cannot let all the good, Draconian — er I mean traditional and conservative — laws be passed in other states,” Hampton told us. “I want Alabama to be known as the epicenter for all the laws that make you question whether we’re trolling now, or if we seriously believe that we still live in 1948.” The Alabama native said he is “alarmed by how much people seem to be willing to forgive the poors for being poor” and that “anyone who is poor in this country is so because they chose to do so” and “that’s why we have bootstraps issued to us when we are born in American hospitals in the first place.”
Hampton at that point insisted that “the only way to be sure a Taker is taking in the ways we insist Takers take is to know what they are putting in their bodies” and that is why drug screens and stomach pumping is “necessary and good.” Hampton — a self-described “Christian Warrior for God” — said that he feels Jesus Christ would support this law because despite teaching that the poor among us should be fed and clothed and treated as well as the richest among us, “Jesus wasn’t a hippy-dippy socialist. He’d value a good day’s work too.”
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“Look, it’s not that we don’t want poor people to be happy,” Republican State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen told us when reached for comment. “We just have our voters convinced that every scrap of food a poor person gets is one less dime for them, even though the tax code is supposed to be progressive for a reason — so that the rich, who can afford to pay a little extra, are hit with the higher burden, since again they can afford it. So then in a really cool and cruel twist of irony, we pit our rank-and-file voters against our benefactors. The people making us rich are the people keeping everyone else poor. That’s just a good old fashioned American ‘Boo-Yah!’ moment right there,” the Republican official told us.
In his view, Hampton says welfare recipients in his state should consider themselves “lucky” if his party manages to pass this new law onto the governor and he signs it into the books. “Hey, we had one draft of this law that not only let us pump their stomachs, but we were going to give them an enema too — you know, check both ports of call? But we decided as Republicans that an enema was too close to gay sex territory, and we can’t be having that. So the poors in Alabama should be happy if all they have to do is submit to dehumanizing pee tests and getting their stomach pumped. Could be worse, know what I mean,” Hampton asked.
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