“…I really think this is one of His Royal Fart-Napper’s best ideas yet…” – Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (KKK-GA)
Greenlanders, by and large, do not want to be absorbed into the United States of America. That fact, however, only seems to matter to those living in Greenland, because President King Donald J. Trump and his supporters seem hell-bent on the U.S. seizing the country — by force if necessary.
This morning, speaking to Fox News, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (KKK-GA) said that she “totally and full-on supports” Trump’s desires to acquire Greenland. She also intimated that should Trump manage to do so, she would “very much so be open” to being installed as its “supreme ruler.”
“Oh yeah, Martha, I really think this is one of His Royal Fart-Napper’s best ideas yet, and that’s saying something because literally every idea he has is his best idea yet. Did I mention that his shits taste and smell like ice cream, Martha? Because they do,” Greene said.
“Honestly, if he did pick-up Greenland in some kind of epic business deal, it would be a win-win for America and for Greenland. We’d get a fancy new chunk of land to environmentally rape, and let’s be frank here, Martha. Greenland would be lucky as hell to have Trump run them like one of his casinos. I would volunteer to be their supreme leader, because, duh, Greenland, my name is Greene…it’s a slam-dunk.”
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We spoke to one citizen of Greenland who spoke to us on the condition that we keep her identity private, to avoid online reprisals from angry members of High King Trump’s cult. She told us that she couldn’t understand why any of her fellow Greenlanders would even want to join the United States, given that, as she put it, “America is a shit hole that doesn’t even offer their own people medicine when they’re sick.”
“Universal healthcare isn’t some communist scheme, and most intelligent conservatives know that, as long as they don’t live in America,” our source told us.
“So why would anyone who lives here want to give up that very basic human right just so am orange-tinted, senile rapist, a couch-fucking closet case, and their billionaire Nazi sympathizer tech bro-ligarch can get richer? Makes no sense to me.”
Most congressional Democrats have already signaled they will fight any attempts to acquire Greenland, but a handful of moderates in the party are already considering supporting the annexation of Greenland.
“We’re moderate Dems. We have no spine and pander to people who hate us and will always hate us because we have a big D next to our name,” Democrat Jeremy Todwillingham of Florida told us.
“So Trump wants Greenland. Let’s let Trump have Greenland. What could possibly go wrong if we appease Trump and let him take Greenland?”
Watch some sketch comedy we made for you. Just for you. Personally.
