For what seems like perhaps forever, American Evangelical Christians have been waiting with bated and fully armed breath for their Lord and Savior to come and save the world from the darkness of Satan. Perhaps some presumed that when a certain organge-tinted, fascist rapist became president in 2016 that he was the fulfillment of that prophecy. However when Jesus Hubert Christ appeared in Alabama last week, it became apparent that as much as they worship the elderly former reality-TV gameshow host like he’s the son of God, someone else still holds that title.
According to a report filed by KPBC News, Jesus arrived in Boysenberry Plains around lunch time late last week. He told surprised onlookers that he was headed to the local Jersey Mike’s sub sandwich chain. There, he planned on trying a sandwich he’d “heard great things about.”
“It was pretty crazy seeing Jesus walk into our store,” Manager Sherry Fescue told us when we called to follow-up on KPBC’s reporting. “I was expecting a chorus of heavenly trumpets, but it was just this one lady cab driver who came in, announced, ‘Presenting, the KING OF CARTOONISHLY IMPOSSIBLE ORIGIN STORES,’ and played a sweet little jazzy bugle riff while he entered the store.
Then, Fescue said Jesus made a proclamation.
“Let the sub sandwiches…BEGIN!”
Christ, according to reports, wanted to try Jersey Mike’s “Original Italian” sandwich. He had apparently been telling his father, Larry “God” Schumway for quite some time that his only real regret about being asked to sacrifice his one, mortal life for all the world’s sinners was that he died more than 2,000 years before the Original Italian was available.
In video footage, Jesus can be seen eating and rather enjoying his sandwich. If Jersey Mike’s was hoping he’d give them an “official” endorsement, though, Christ left them disappointed on that front.
“Oh, I love the Original Italian. But I also love the Veggie Delite from Subway, and TOGO’s has some great options too. I guess you can say I love all my little subs,” Jesus told reporters when asked if he’d be working with Jersey Mikes as their official spokes-deity. “So, I don’t want of my delicious little children getting offended and thinking I love one of them more than the other.”
This story was first reported on Into the Garbage Chute, Season 2: “BALLPICKLE!”
