WASHINGTON, D.C. — Everyone on the Hill seems to be trying to parse what was accurate and what was not accurate about Buzzfeed News’ bombshell report that President Donald Trump directed his former personal attorney to lie to Congress on his behalf. Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office took the exceedingly rare step of commenting on the news report when the buzz it was generating started to push congressional Democrats toward open talk of impeachment.
Mueller’s office deemed the Buzzfeed report “inaccurate,” but as many have pointed out, there is no indication that the thrust of the story was inaccurate, and the wording of Mueller’s team’s push back leaves quite a bit of speculation. One man who is speculating about something relating to the story is none other than President Trump himself, according to several sources within the White House. According to those sources, Trump is becoming more and convinced that his new attorney, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, could be the key to Mueller’s investigation ensnaring the president, more campaign staffers, or even Trump’s family.
“Is Rudy the smocking gun here, people? Tell me honestly,” Trump was recently overheard shouting at senior staff in the Oval Office. “It’s like, every time I think we’re out of the woods, and we’ve said something self-contradictory but with enough force and attitude to placate my base and make them think I’m innocent again, along comes Rudy to 9/11 it all up.”
Over the weekend, Giuliani made a puzzling appearance on CNN and seemed to reopen doubts about whether the president had in fact spoken to Michael Cohen about lying to congress, just after it seemed that Mueller’s team had given the White House some breathing room.
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“Does he even realize what he’s doing out there,” Trump asked incredulously. “We get a gift from Bob Mueller and his 6.3 trillion Angry Democrats, and Rudy goes and flies a couple of airplanes into it! He’s supposed to be taking the heat off me, fixing shit like that one guy I used to have on my team would do. You know Mickey Co-ham or whatever his name is.”
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Trump wondered aloud if Giuliani could end up being what puts him out of office, or worse.
“What if Rudy’s my smocking gun, fam? What do I do then? What if that guy goes on national TV and let’s something really bad slip out from behind those busted-ass chicklets he has for teeth,” Trump asked with even more anger in his voice. “I knew he wasn’t Jewish enough to be a good lawyer. My daddy always said that people were good for certain jobs based on their race and ethnicity. Jews were good doctors and lawyers, and I was clearly duped by Rudy!”
Farting and chopping up a Big Mac and large KFC extra-tasty crispy chicken breast on a mirror before lining it up and snorting it in one, massive inhalation, Trump explained.
“For the longest time, I swore it was ‘Jewly-Awny.’ You know, so he was Jewy, and his last name was Awny. I thought Awny was a weird sounding name,” Trump said, wiping the remnants of fried chicken and two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce and pickle on a sesame seed bun from his nose and lip. “But you know, the Jewishes all have weird sounding names to me, so I rolled with it. I was wrong though, clearly.”
Mr. Giuliani could not be reached for comment.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
