WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a meeting with business leaders this week, President Trump referred to Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple Computers, as “Tim Apple.” Mr. Cook apparently took the misnomer in humorous stride, though, because the very next day he had changed his name on Twitter to be “Tim” and then an apple emoji.
Today, in the Oval Office, Trump once again continued to call CEOs of tech companies by names that didn’t quite match up to their birth records. While hosting various press reporters from right-wing outlets and klan pamphlet printers, Trump turned suddenly to Mick Mulvaney, acting Chief of Staff. The president barked an order at Mulvaney.
“Mick! Mick! Where’s Mick, goddamnit,” Trump demanded.
Mulvaney sheepishly raised his hand.
“Oh, there you are, of course. I saw you there the whole time, by the way,” Trump replied. “Mick, I want you to do me a bigly presidential favor, and I’m ordering you to do it for me, understand?”
Mr. Mulvaney simply nodded. He’d learned quickly enough to just do as he’s told in this administration.
“It’s all over much quicker if you just give the big orange man what he wants,” Mulvaney would later relay to reporters.
Buy this shirt from our exclusive store!
Satisfied that Mulvaney was listening intently, Trump pressed on.
“I want you to get Mark Facebook and Jack Tweeter on the horn, or better yet, you send them a presidential summons, and you get them to my throne room,” Trump ordered, “Er, you know, my Oval Office. I have some things they need to hear from the God Emperor King.”
Mulvaney nodded his head and left. Trump started addressing the reporters again.
“You see, as your favorite and bestest president ever, I know that conservatives have it much harder than liberals,” Trump explained. “Sure, we crow about high Fox News’ ratings are, but does that really imply they’re in the mainstream? Clearly we like to have it both ways. The point I’m trying to make is that Facebook and Tweeter need to stop censoring we conservatives.”
Trump farted.
“Because you know I’m a dyed-in-the-wool conservative, and that’s why I genuinely care about this topic, and am not in any way pandering,” Trump said, “to a base that I need to defend me from the impending shit storm I’m facing with the Dems in the House and Mueller’s report coming at some point.”
Trump farted again, this time chiding Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who was not in the room at the time.
“Damn, Sarah really ripped one again, huh? Anyway,” Trump continued, “Where was I? Oh, right Jack Tweeter and Mark Facebook are personally censoring we hardcore conservatives. You know, the conservatives who are so pro-life they now regret almost every abortion they paid for? Yeah, those conservatives.”
Just then, Mulvaney entered the room.
“Mick! That smell was Sarah, she farted again,” Trump said very quickly. “So that’s what you smell. It’s her. What did Mark and Jack say?”
Mulvaney told Trump both Facebook and Twitter would have to get back to him, because their CEOs were too busy “actually working” to take his call. This outraged Trump.
“I am outraged right now! How dare they? They’re censoring conservatives,” Trump yelled. “I’m told that almost have my bots — er I mean totally real followers — are having the reach of their tweets heavily restricted. And a ton of my other Russian bot — er Facebook fans that are totally real Americans — had their Facebook accounts shut down. This has to stop! I am so angry right now!”
Mulvaney knew what to be done. He ran from the room and found a box mounted to a wall in the outer hallway. Smashing a glass panel on the front, Mulvaney removed a bucket of KFC from the box — which is actually a warming oven that keeps the KFC warm on a rotating basis. Mulvaney rushed the chicken back to the Oval Office.
At the time of publication, Trump was having extra Executive Time and eating his “Calm Down KFC.”
This story is developing.
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
