Not to sound too controversial, but food is pretty important to the human experience. Without it, I think it’s fairly safe to say that life would be drastically different for us. But unlike other members of the animal kingdom, we humans have kitchens, pots, pans, spatulas, knives, and so many other tools and inventions that help us cook and prepare food. We’ve gotten so adept at it, that now we can build buildings, pay people below minimum wage and subsidize them with extra money from the customer, and serve award winning, gourmet food to the masses. We call those buildings “restaurants.”
And there are, at last count, around 2.6 trillion different restaurant guides out there, aimed at showing you the best of the best; the James Beard and Michelin Star award winners. The cream of the crop. But what about restaurants with D health code ratings and menus so terrible they should be considered crimes against humanity? How about restaurants where you’re more likely to come away with food poisoning than any other?
You might be surprised to find out I couldn’t find any online listings of the best places to get a case of food poisoning, but that’s where we’re at. After all, a restaurant that serves you three day old hamburger meat may not be the best for your health, but that doesn’t mean that they didn’t nail the ambience and other key elements of a good restaurant. So if you’re like me and often find yourself wanting to know where the hottest joints to get the literally sickest food at, then look no further!
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5. Sal’s Diarrhea Dip and Cornhole Pies
Located in beautiful downtown Deluth, Iowa, Sal’s Diarrhea Dip and Cornhole Pies is a local favorite and has been for over 25 years. Of course, they don’t actually sell you diarrhea in a dipping bowl, and their pies aren’t made of butt holes. But they do make food that is barely edible, but they’re open 24 hours and make most of their money after 2 in the morning when the bars close. Sal’s has been the location of so many salmonella and E Coli outbreaks that they were the inspiration for the classic film, “Outbreak.” But at just $4.00 for a pie and a steaming bowl of diarrhea dip, it’s no wonder their doors stay wide open.
4. La Basura Mexican Cantina and Landfill
Okay, so the setting isn’t all that serene; it’s literally a restaurant in a landfill. I’m not sure why Chef/Owner Ralph McGee decided to open his Mexican restaurant in the landfill, but that’s what he did. As good as the tacos might taste at La Basura, the fact is that your odds of getting one without at least some piece of garbage in it are zero to none. So that’s why in the two years it’s been open, La Basura has played host to over 355 different food poisonings, and counting! If you go, you simply must try the crab enchiladas with a side of leaked battery acid! It’s literally to die for!
3. Arby’s
The fact that they pay their employees like shit should be concerning to everyone, because it could mean a shortage of ingredients to make their “food.” Frankly, if you’ve eaten Arby’s more than twice in your life and not ended up with a scorching case of diarrhea, you might want to have yourself checked out to see if you’re actually an alien from Krypton.
2. The Gas-N-Piss Truck Stop Hot Food Section
I would love to be able to tell you how a hot food section at a truck stop in Mississippi got two Michelin Stars. I’d love to be able to tell you why Zagat’s calls it a “culinary adventure for your colon.” I cannot, however, explain those things. That being said, if you ever find yourself staring at the warming light that’s behind the small glass doors that hide away The Gas-N-Piss’s signature line of barely edible “chicken,” “beef,” or “oink-oink” sandwiches, don’t regret your choice to avoid them. Buy all three. Sure, you’ll be shitting for probably the rest of your life, but you’ll always have the fond memories to last ’til your dying breath. Which will probably not be too long after you eat food from The Gas-N-Piss.
1. Raw Burgers and Warm Brews
It’s exactly what it sounds like, it’s completely disgusting, and you simply have to try it! There’s nothing quite like sinking your teeth into a lukewarm, moldy bun and having them bite all the way through a rancid patty. But don’t forget to wash it all down with a beer warmer than the urine it tastes like! Raw Burgers and Warm Brews is the place to be!
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
