America has mass shootings. Though, to be perfectly frank and fair, it has racism, late stage capitalist dystopia, and mass shootings. For the purposes of this list, however, we’re just going to focus on that last one — mass shootings. The question we wanted to try and answer with this piece was simply, “Why are there so many mass shootings in America?” We’ll show you what we could come up with below, in just a minute.
Some might point to how relatively easy it is for someone to obtain a gun in a country that codifies every citizen’s right to a gun in its founding documents, and others will point to how very little Congress has done to make sure that the people who can be trusted are the ones that are exercising their Second Amendment rights. Unfortunately, that conclusion is derived using critical thinking skills, which have been largely outlawed in red states for years. So we needed to come up with a few more reasons why America has so many mass shootings, and we’re pretty sure what follows is the most logical set of conclusions one could come to on the subject of mass shootings in America. We hope you enjoy, and let us know if we missed any in the comments.
5. Freedom and Liberty Sound An Awful Lot Like ‘BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG!”
The actual sounds that liberty and freedom literally make sound exactly guns. This has proven in scientific experiment after scientific experiment. We can’t seem to find those experiments right now, though, so you’re going to have to trust us., but it’s true. In fact, what a lot of people don’t realize is that if you slow down the audio of a gun firing, any gun at all, you’ll hear the voice of George Washington shouting, “FREEDOM! LIBERTY! FREEDOM! LIBERTY!” over and over again. It’s just so fast and loud and high velocity that it shreds people’s insides and leaves them dead, but you can totally hear it if you slow it down enough.
4. Guns Slice, Dice, and Julienne Fries as Well as Innocent Civilians
Sure, semi-automatic rifles are the choice of a lot of mass shooters. Sure, they make eviscerating a human body extremely easy and increases the amount of people you can kill in a short amount of time. But did you know they also are used in top rated, Michelin starred restaurants, too? It’s totally true! Everyone in the business of making food for people knows, flat-out, that guns are the absolute essential tool you need to make a great french fry, or to perfectly dice a tomato. So if we restrict semi-automatic weapons, we will lose our yummy fries, and that’s a bridge too far!
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3. God Wants It This Way
If she doesn’t…why hasn’t she come down and spoken to America’s gun lovers and convinced them that maybe, just maybe, they could limit themselves to a couple of guns? Why hasn’t she done literally anything to stop the school shootings, at least? Surely, if Jesus loves the children, his mother or father would want them to not perish in a gun battle, right, at least if they were anti-gun or at the very least pro-gun legislation. Instead, what we’re left with is dozens of shootings a year, and piles of dead bodies. And that makes us all conclude that God must just want it this way. Who are we to argue with God?
2. There Actually Isn’t Any Such Thing as a “Gun”
Granted, this one is more of a theory than an established fact. But we’re thinking it’s possible that we can’t seem to stop the gun violence in this country because maybe “guns” don’t exist. What if “guns” are just a coded government word for something that is anything other than a gun? Then, we’d be left with a world where guns don’t actually exist, and you’d think that would mean that there wouldn’t be any shootings, instead of tons of them. But since the gun violence problem in this country isn’t being addressed with serious solutions, why, exactly, should we get serious about the root causes of shootings, in the first place? So you know what? We’re sticking with it. There are no guns. Guns don’t exist. Somehow people keep getting blown away, but not with “guns.” Otherwise, we’d do something about the guns.
1. You Try Looking Cool AF With Anything Less Than 50 Guns!
This is what it comes down to, ultimately. If you think you can possibly look cool in America without at least a smalls arms cache strapped to your hip, think again, you libtard cuck! Guns are just cool, okay? They make you look cool and are completely safe for you, just like cigarettes. So light one up and light one off, America! Why change and try to prevent senseless tragedy when you can not and do nothing instead?
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
