WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump held a signing ceremony in the Oval Office this morning for a new trade deal that he says will make America stronger, richer, and “more betterer than ever before.”
The deal comes on the heels of escalating tensions between the White House and China. Mr. Trump’s administration has been in a pitched trade war with Beijing almost from the moment his presidency started, with tariffs being slapped by both sides on both countries, the uncertainty from which has caused the stock market to be extremely volatile the last few days.
Despite the pummelling in the markets, Trump has tried to tweet reassurance to his base, and the American people that his administration will win the trade war, defending his policies vigorously.
I say openly to President Xi & all of my many friends in China that China will be hurt very badly if you don’t make a deal because companies will be forced to leave China for other countries. Too expensive to buy in China. You had a great deal, almost completed, & you backed out!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 13, 2019
The unexpectedly good first quarter 3.2% GDP was greatly helped by Tariffs from China. Some people just don’t get it!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 13, 2019
Rumors are that the new trade deal inked today is an effort by the Trump White House to salve some of the burn that the tensions with China have started to give the administration.
“We of course all know that the very real African country of Nambia has some truly world class health care,” Trump told reporters this morning as he signed the deal, “and we also know they export over ninety percent of the world’s covfefe supply, both in terms of raw covfefe, and refined, processed covfefe, and this deal helps cut America in on that sweet, sweet action.”
The trade deal was brokered by representatives from Nambia as well as a special envoy from the United States that was made up of former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN), and a bag of hammers.
“We felt that we wanted every member of the team to be on the same intellectual level,” Trump explained, “and we just had to have Sarah involved because since she can see Nambia from her front porch, she’s probably the premier American scholar when it comes to that country, outside of me, of course.”
Under the terms of the deal, the U.S. would significantly increase its importation of the rare mineral covfefe. President Trump told reporters that his administration “runs on covfefe” and that “unlike prior black administrations” his knows how to correctly harness the power of covfefe, and they struck the deal with Nambia to “secure a bright future for all Americans.”
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“Look, you may be wondering why we signed this trade deal,” Trump said, “and that’s fine. But just keep mind that unlike prior black administrations, mine knows the value of covfefe and that we need to be looking for more ways to use it, not less.”
Geographers and cartographers say that there could be a few things that prevent this new trade deal from having any major impact.
“Well, for starters,” Sean Taugher of the World Map Makers Union told us, “Nambia isn’t on any map I can find going back through our archives over centuries. Very strange. But we’ll keep looking, because it’s gotta be out there. It would be so weird for a president to just make up a country out of whole cloth, you know? Like, he’s the leader of the free world, and he’s just gonna randomly pull a country out of his ass and praise it?”
On what the president called an “unrelated side note,” the Trump Foundation has started a new charity.
“The National Alliance of Man-Boys In America will be dedicated to helping men in the late twenties and early thirties who still go around telling people all taxes are theft and pretending that BitCoin is somehow not a fiat currency grow up and mature into adults who don’t say stupid shit like that,” Trump explained, “and we really think this organizationwill help really tremendously bigly. So get those checks a flowing now; you can just send them to the Trump Foundation and rest assured, your money will get to where we need it.”
This story is developing.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
