Rand Paul Tried to Filibuster Sunrise on MLK Day

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, Sen. Rand Paul (Q-KY) stood on the Senate floor and attempted to forestall the beginning of Martin Luther King Day by filibustering the sunrise. Sources close to Paul say that he had been planning to forestall the start of MLK day as long as he could for quite some time.

Speaking on the Senate floor, Paul condemned “performative Social Justice Warrior tributes” and said the “federal government has no business” celebrating anyone’s life, officially. Paul did make a couple of exceptions to that rule, however.

23andMe Finds DNA Link Between Jim Crow and Kyrsten Sinema

“I rise in strong opposition to the sun coming up today. I protest the sunrise now, not because I’m racist, and not because I want to keep getting elected by racists. No, I rise to protest the tyrannical government overreach of Martin Luther King Day,” Paul began his speech. “The federal government has no business telling people when they have to celebrate someone’s life unless it’s Jesus, or of course Don Trump, and then it should be mandatory, obviously.”

Paul called it “reverse racism” and said he’s “ashamed and troubled” by the fact that America would honor Martin Luther King Jr, without honoring the man who made him a martyr.

“Stop and think about it, without James Earl Ray, there is no MLK Day. So shouldn’t we at least stop and honor his contribution? I’m not saying we have to put a statue up of him, like we did back when we put up statues of Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson,” Paul mused, “I just think it sets a dangerous precedent to give a black man an entire day. I mean, other than the other 364 days, when do we honor white people in this country?”

Despite Sen. Paul’s efforts, though, the sun came up, and America began to celebrate the life and legacy of Martin Luther King, Jr. This, Paul warned, might not stay the case forever.

“Once we get King God Trump back in office, we’ll see if we can’t open up this whole federal holiday thing and squash it,” Paul warned. “Until then, enjoy your reverse racism day, libs!”

Tucker Carlson Will Only Spend Angelou Quarters Once He Spends the Ones with White Guys On Them

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.