WASHINGTON, D.C. — For months, FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller has been wrangling the president for a sit-down interview, on the record, about Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, as well as any obstruction of justice that may have occurred from within the administration. This week, Mueller finally got some answers, written, to some of his questions.

According to several sources close to the situation, President Trump took the business of answering Mueller “bigly serious” and even took the special step of ordering writing utensils solely for that purpose.

“President Trump ordered a batch of very special presidential crayons in order to answer Mr. Mueller’s questions,” White House Junior Deputy Press Secretary Tom Thompaulsen told reporters today. “The president took this task bigly serious and knew he needed a fine implement to craft his  best obfuscations of mendacity.”




The president chose these particular crayons because “in a total coincidence and unforeseen turn of events,” the Trump Organization happens to own the company who makes them.

“Everyone knows that Trump Crayons are the absolute bestest crayons in the box,” Thompaulsen said. ‘Made from the finest wax pulled directly out of the president’s ears, and crafted in the finest America First tradition that all his products are — in China by hands somehow even smaller than his…because they belong to four year old Chinese boys and girls.”

Mr. Mueller’s office could not be reached for comment.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.