While the nation’s political and governmental institutions grapple with an authentic constitutional crisis, debating the possible impeachment of President Donald Trump, historians have unearthed and publicized the discovery of new evidence that he might not the first Commander in Chief to seek foreign help in an upcoming election.
The National Academy of History Seekers, or NAHS, is one of the oldest established consortiums of historians. Founded in 1819, NAHS and its historians have endeavored to accurately document the history of the United States. At a press conference today, NAHS Senior Junior Executive Deputy Historian Carol Caruthers announced the discovery of primary source materials that indicate John Adams called the King of England to see if he could get “dirt” on Thomas Jefferson, who he was running against in an upcoming election at the time.
“Our office clerk Billy Williamson was going through some boxes in our ‘Old AF’ bin — it’s the bin where keep all the stuff that’s old as fuck, you see — and he found a phone bill from the late 18th century,” Ms. Caruthers told reporters. “Obviously this would have been a major scandal even in 1800. There were, after all, already provisions in the Constitution that prevented such an abuse of power. That’s why, it would appear, then President John Adams ordered this phone bill to be hidden away, hopefully never to be seen again.”
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Caruthers says that NAHS can confirm what the content of the phone call was, thanks to some sleuthy detective work from their team.
“We already had a journal entry from Adams that admitted to a ‘rather unique and interesting exchange’ he says he had with the King of England,” Caruthers said. “Adams wrote that he and the King agreed that they had a mutual interest in draining the swamp — a literal swamp that England and the U.S. were both disputing ownership of. They also both agreed it was necessary to investigate Thomas Jefferson, who would go on to defeat Adams in the general election that year, making Adams the first single term president in our nation’s history.”
The NAHS cannot confirm whether or not the King of England or then President Adams exchanged anything other than the one phone call. Caruthers says she too is “blown away” that Adams was not only hiding the phone call,but also the fact that he had telephone technology at his disposal already.
“Though that’s also pretty easily explained when you realize that Adams had been accidentally visited by Wyld Stalyns during their excellent adventure through time,” Caruthers said. “Whether it was Bill S. Preston, Esq, or Ted “Theodore” Logan, someone got Adams that technology, and he used it. How the King of England got it? Well, I’m not writing this dumb fucking satire piece, am I? Ask that tubby fuck flailing his fingers at the keyboard right now.”
Ms. Caruthers was suddenly yanked out of the press conference shouting.
“See,” Caruthers yelled, “this is his fault! He sent these goons after me! And now he’s stealing a plot device from a John Candy movie called Delirious. You should watch it! It’s great! Better than this derivative garbage!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
