WASHINGTON, D.C. — First Attorney General William Barr summarized the Robert Mueller’s two-year long FBI special counsel investigation in a four-page summary that exonerated President Donald Trump on the question of obstruction of justice as it related to the Mueller probe. Then, things started taking turns for the truly unexpected.
Barr found evidence in the Mueller Report to exonerate Harry Potter villain Voldemort. Then, Barr said after further scans of the Mueller report, he’d found enough in it to clear embattled actor Jussie Smollett of any wrongdoing, just moments after Chicago prosecutors dropped their own charges against him. Just this morning, Barr announced in front of the Department of Justice that he was exonerating former President Barack Obama for forging American documents and taking away everyone’s guns during his presidency. Less than hour later, Barr released a memo to the American people, detailing one more exoneration he found within the pages of the Mueller Report.
“It has come to my attention that the Mueller probe contains even more exonerating information than I had initially found in my cursory, perfunctory scanning of it,” Barr writes. “At this time, I am announcing that former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has been cleared of any suspicion or charges of wrongdoing as it relates to her email server, Benghazi, Uranium One, or her well-documented, very real, extremely not-fictitious lifelong career as an assassin.”
Barr writes that while “there was no evidence of any criminality resulting from the three decades of right-wing investigations” into Clinton, he was still able to exonerate her anyway, based on the Mueller Report findings.
“As it turns out, it’s even easier to use this report as a bullshit excuse to exonerate someone if the charges themselves are total bullshit,” Barr wrote. “It wasn’t that easy for me to thread the needle to the point that it even remotely made sense that Trump was cleared of obstruction charges. But it’s amazing what you can say someone didn’t do when there is no evidence of them doing it in the first place.”
Attorney General Barr is still unwilling to share the actual Mueller Report with the American public, but he assures them that if he finds any more people to exonerate with it, they’ll “be the first to know.”
“This is actually quite fun! I’m one of the only people in the whole country who has seen the report, so I can make up — excuse me — find all sorts of totally legit legal maneuvers to pull with it,” Barr said, “and no one can really say anything. You all just have to take my word for it. Gosh, it’s almost like that was the whole reason I wrote the memo last year about this whole thing. It’s almost like I lobbied for the job specifically under the guise of using whatever pretense necessary to absolve a grossly incompetent moron and white collar criminal of any wrongdoing. WEIRD, HUH, AMERICA?”
Former Secretary of State Clinton could not be reached for comment.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
