WASHINGTON, D.C. — The outgoing, one-term, lame duck, permanently impeached President of the United States has not yet finished issuing 11th hour pardons.
Last night, Trump issued pardons and commutations to a slew of people. Some people Trump pardoned were excused for crimes committed while working for his campaign. Trump also pardoned two Republican congressmen who pled guilty to fraud charges stemming from campaign finance violations. Both men were among Trump’s earliest supporters on the Hill. Nearly every outgoing president has issued more pardons in their final weeks in office than the rest of their term, but no president has pardoned so many people with connections to their own political careers as Trump has.
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“The president plans to continue to excuse the wholesale thuggery and criminality of those who are most loyal to him,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters this morning, “and whether or not he agrees to let the elections stand, it is his right to keep pardoning his golf and/or white collar crime buddies as he sees fit.”
To that end, the White House announced today that Trump had officially pardoned three more individuals.
“I am issuing full and complete pardons to three of the men I admire most,” Trump shouted at reporters from the White House balcony today, “and that would be Benny Arnold, Bobby Lee, and me, in reverse order of the people I admire most.”
Arnold famously sold the burgeoning United States out to the British, just as the colonies were fighting for their freedom. Lee led the Confederate Army against the United States. Trump teamed up with Vladimir Putin to spend four years putting himself first, Putin next, and America somewhere down toward the bottom.
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“All of the people I’m pardoning today had the strength and courage to fight against this country and its Constitution in one form or another,” Trump announced, “but only of them did while also having very clean, very normal sized and shaped, genitals. That would be your favorite president, President Me!”
President Trump did not indicate which specific crimes he was pardoning himself for. He has floated the idea of pardoning family members and even himself in the past. Today, he said, he “decided it was time” to excuse himself.
“This will apply to past, present, and future crimes I may consider committing later,” Trump said. “Before he left, Billy Barr assured me this is very legal and very cool. But, the cool part is that even if this isn’t legal, I’m pardoning myself for it as we speak!”
Sen. Ted Cruz called the move the “single greatest desperate act of a sad, pathetic loser” he’s ever seen.
“And let me just reiterate,” Cruz told reporters this morning, “my wife, Heidi, really is incredibly ugly. Like, so very ugly. He was right about that, and he’s right about whatever else it is he’s blathering about. Please don’t let him unleash his morons on me.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
