Within hours of Russia launching its full-scale invasion of Ukraine, the United States and its western allies had levied massive financial sanctions on Vladimir Putin and key Russian officials and oligarchs. The value of the ruble has plummeted in less than a week of military engagement, and it doesn’t appear that the Biden administration is done slapping sanctions on Putin.
This morning, President Biden announced a newer, tougher spate of sanctions that he said he believes will “really hurt Putin where he lives.”
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“As of this moment, Russia’s president is now under a full American blowjob embargo. That means no blowjobs for him from any Americans, period. If you’re an American, you have no business putting lips on, near, or around Vlad’s Putin unless and until he ceases all aggression in Ukraine and removes his troops,” Biden said as he announced the new sanctions.
Biden attempted to clear up any confusion about the sanctions right at the outset.
“Now, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, this also applies to Republicans, even though most Republicans are closer to Russians than they are to Americans these days. Vladimir Putin will not get another Republican beejer before he high-tails it the hell out of Ukraine. Not on my watch, Squirt,” Biden insisted.
Predictably, reactions from Republicans to the sanctions has been a mixture of anger, outrage, and spittle-flecked verbal diarrhea. Perhaps no Republican was as angry as freshman Congresspony Marjorie Taylor Greene. During an early morning press conference, Greene goose stepped to the mic, gave a one-arm salute to Donald Trump, and then blasted Biden’s new sanctions.
“President Sleepy Joe has no right to attack our allies like this! And make no mistake, Vladimir Putin is our ally. He helped give us the greatest president of my lifetime, Donaldus Q. Trump, and he more importantly doesn’t like Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton! So, yes, Vlad Putin is an ally…of the Republican Party, and being an enemy of freedom, democracy, and the United States shouldn’t prevent him from getting his blowjobs from his friends in the GOP,” Greene whinnied.
