FARTS A LOT, THOUGH — FLORIDA –Tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary of Donald Trump’s failed coup attempt of January 6th, 2021. Initially, the former, one term, twice forever impeached president planned to hold a big press event, however he abruptly canceled it just hours ago.
Instead, Trump announced in a written statement, he will mark the occasion in a different way: by inspiring another violent mob into action. Below, verbatim, is Trump’s written message — which he was not permitted to post himself to any major social media platform.
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Unfortunately, the fake news enemy of the press and their Democrat UnSelect January 6th committee have made it impossible for me to hold a good, clean, white-skinned press conference tomorrow. So, instead, my wonderful First Lady and I have decided that I will celebrate my glorious coup attempt by staging another takeover of a place I no longer have any rights to access, and Ivanka really thinks this is a great idea, too!
Tomorrow, I will ask my loyal, unwashed, uneducated MAGAs to show up at the McDonald’s just across the street from my luxury resort (that they could never afford to visit like the poverty stricken plebes they are). The cucks who run that Golden Arches asked me to never return to the playground ever again after me and Ivanka got caught banging it out in the ball pit.
SIDE NOTE: Why call it the ball pit if it’s so-called “illegal” for me to have mine exposed while in it?!
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I have a right to that McDonald’s playground, and it was stolen from me. I want it, and as we all know, when a rich, white racist American man wants something, he gets it! Well, that is until those jerk-fucks ruined my beautiful coup attempt!
Please, join me, patriots and lovers of Big Macs alike. We will march, hand in hand, together, and we will demand I get what I am entitled to. Also, we will make them give us free nuggies and shakes.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.
