COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins is a devout “MAGA Boy,” as he calls himself.
“That’s like a good ol’ boy except, you know, MAGA instead of good,” Jethro once explained to his audience. “That means I defend MAGA every chance I get. I will interrupt two libtards in the grocery checkout line to give ’em a dose of MAGA, fam, is all I’m saying. I’ll MAGA anybody, any time, any place, day or night, rain or shine, chem or trail.”
As part of his “solemn duty to protect MAGA at all costs,” Bohiggins says he “did the unthinkable” last night and watched the first night of primary debates between a large field of Democrats vying for their party’s presidential nomination. Jethro said that ordinarily he doesn’t let his ears “get filled with libtarded Demon-rat filth,” but that he wants to know exactly what the candidates are saying about President Trump’s agenda.
“I’ll tell you this much, fam, I know they aren’t a fan of Trump, but you can tell how racist they are against our white nationalist agenda by what they didn’t mention,” Bohiggins opined. “They didn’t scream about Mexicans even once! Not once! It was all, ‘Let’s find a solution to the immigration problem’ this, and ‘We should have humane compassion for these people’ that. In fact, I don’t recall them even mentioning the word ‘Mexicans,’ and all the kids in cages look Mexicanny to me!”
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Jethro thinks the Democrats are “making a bigly mistake” but not following Trump’s lead on immigration.
“Ignoring the innate racism of certain, shall we say, confederated Americans, is something Democrats do at their own peril,” Bohiggins railed, “and it’s not gonna end well for them if they don’t realize how vital it is for us to stop the white genocide that is people marrying and making babies with whomever they want to and people coming in from other countries to work and pay taxes! I’m just saying you attract a lot more Republicans with dog whistle racism than platitudes than you do with solutions to actual problems.”
Bohiggins says that while he’d never vote for one, Democrats aren’t going to attract Republicans to their party if they can’t “speak the coded racist language of American patriots.”
“How am I supposed to know which one is most aligned with the MAGA agenda if they ain’t howling about brown people and telling us which of their kids they’d bang,” Bohiggins asked with earnest curiosity.
If not mentioning “the silent invasion from the South” wasn’t bad enough, Jethro says, Democrats also failed to mention what he thinks is the most important position a president of any party can take.
“Why come none of them, not a single one, mentioned which one of their kids they’d bang? Did they not get the memo,” Jethro asked rhetorically. “This is the Trump Era. Every president has to hide his tax returns and divulge which of his offspring he’d have sex with. Seems like a huge wasted opportunity for all of them, and frankly how can good, clean, ammo hoarding, God fearing American patriots know who to trust, if they won’t tell us which of their kids they find sexy enough to have lustful thoughts about?”
Jethro says that his vote next year “isn’t even up for discussion,” but that he still wishes Democrats would “wake up and smell the covfefe.”
“I mean, I ain’t never gonna go back in time, so when would I ever want to vote for a Democrat? Back when they was about protectin’ the white man’s say in his own government, maybe,” Bohiggins said, “but the fact remains that it’s good for the whole country if Democrats get back on the same wavelength as real Americans. And by ‘real,’ again, let me reiterate, I mean ‘white.'”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.
