WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, President Donald Trump got his wish and the nation’s capital played host to a military parade. Mr. Trump had been pushing for such an event since he attended Bastille Day celebrations in France shortly after becoming president. While it’s unclear what the attendance for the parade would have been like on a perfectly sunny, clear day, it’s quite possible that crowds were further discouraged from attending by the rain that fell on the parade.
President Trump tweeted yesterday that the weather shouldn’t keep people from showing up, but this morning he lashed out angrily about the rain, which he said was “either a Fake News enemy of the people hoax” or “part of Bob Mueller’s Team of Angry Democrats’ attempted coop on my administration.”
“They can’t coop me! No one can coop me! Lots of people have tried to coop me, but I get out every time, because I’m not a chicken,” Trump shouted at reporters. “I am sure there were at least six million people at the parade yesterday. I personally counted, at least, three or four million myself and only stopped counting because I had to go give that speech. By the way, and I’m pretty sure you can believe this because I pay people really good money to tell me things I like to hear, people are calling my 4th of July speech the most important, best speech given by any president…maybe the best speech ever given anyone for all of time.”
President Trump believes that without FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s interference, the weather during yesterday’s parade and festivities would have been “bigly sunny and mighty warm.”
“He couldn’t let me win though, could he? He couldn’t pin any crimes on me, so he got his little do over with all his eight trillion Angry Democrats,” Trump railed, “and they made it rain. I don’t know how they made it rain, but I have some mildly stupid theories, as well as a handful that are just outright racist. Like, are we sure that Colin Kaepernick didn’t do some kind of uppity urban rain dance? Did Previous Black Administration put a Sharia hex on me at the request of Conflicted Bob Mueller? Congress should be investigating that, not the multitude of obvious crimes I’ve committed!”
Special Counsel Mueller is scheduled to testify before House committees on July 17th, and President Trump says that he wants Republicans on the committees to make sure they “grill” Mueller about his role in the Independence Day rain storms.
“Quite frankly if I don’t see Louis Gohmert, Gym Jordan, and Mark Warner doing their best to grill Conflicted Bob Mueller about the rain,” Trump shouted, “then I think they need to be, probably, shot. Executed. For treason. We’re looking into that and a whole lot of other very cool, very legal things we can do. My Attorney General, you know, my personal Attorney General Bill Barr? He says I can literally do whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want to. And why would he lie? When has Bill Barr ever known to be someone who will just unrepentantly lie, with a straight face, or maybe even a smug, self-satisfied shit eating grin? That sound like Bill Barr to you? Of course it doesn’t!”
Mr. Mueller did not offer comment on this story.
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