NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Authorities at this hour are confirming that right-wing radio host and Birch Society spokesterrorist Laura Ingraham has been booted out of a Manhattan dry cleaners after she got into an intense and heated argument with the owner of the establishment.
“Laura just kept screaming at the lady, and threatening to call her ‘fuhrer’ on the dry cleaning lady,” one eyewitness told us. “Apparently Laura had lost her claim ticket, and the lady behind the counter didn’t want to break company policy and give Ingraham her robe without it.”
Reportedly, Ingraham told the business owner she had a “very important rally” to attend later tonight, and that she “absolutely needs” her robe for it. Despite apologizing profusely, and saying they can sympathize with her, ultimately Ingraham was still told by the dry cleaners that she needed her ticket to claim any article they cleaned for her.
“Ummm. I don’t think you’re seeing this very clearly,” Ingraham said according to our witness. “What color skin do I have?”
The dry cleaner confirmed the inverse relationship between the amount of pigment in Ingraham’s skin, and the amount of human compassion and empathy in her vacant, blackened heart.
“Okay, so if you can see I’m white, then why exactly am I not getting everything I want, and quickly,” Ingraham asked with incredulity dripping from her words. “You still don’t seem to get it. Me white, you not white. Me want thing, you give me thing.”
Yet again, the dry cleaner politely rebuffed Ingraham, which is when the scene turned ugly.
“YOU KNOW WHAT?! THAT IS IT! THAT. IS. IT. I HAVE FUCKING HAD IT WITH YOU,” Ingraham started shouting at the top of her lungs. “AND I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS. I HAVE VERY POWERFUL FRIENDS AND FELLOW NAZI VAMPIRES IN VERY HIGH PLACES! THIS IS AMERIKKKA GODDAMNIT!”
Ingraham reached into her purse, which made the dry cleaner think she was going to pull out a gun, and the police were quickly summoned. Ingraham wasn’t pulling out a firearm, though. She was getting out her cell phone. She quickly dialed “666” and waited.
“HI DONALD! THIS IS LAURA. YES, FRAU LOLO BRAUN, EXACTLY,” Ingraham was still shouting when the cops arrived and started pulling her from the building. “DON, THEY WON’T GIVE ME WHAT I WANT DON! THE DRY CLEANERS DON! CAN YOU DO AN EXECUTIVE ORDER FOR ME, AND SAY ALL DRY CLEANERS GO TO FEMA CAMPS IF THEY REFUSE TO GIVE ME BACK MY WHITE ROBE?!”
As she was thrown down onto the pavement by the police who had arrived, Ingraham started crying. Just then, a Holocaust survivor walked by and smelled her tears, prompting the survivor to have a flashback to Auschwitz, because what I’m saying here is that Laura Ingraham is such a nazi cunt she cries Holocaust tears.
Fuck Laura Ingraham. This story isn’t developing anything other than a raging case of herpes known as “Laura Ingraham.”
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
