WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the second time in as many days, President Donald Trump backtracked on a statement he made regarding Russia’s culpability for a concentrated, protracted cyber attack during the 2016 presidential election, this time backtracking on a backtrack he made the previous day.
On Monday, in a remarkable moment, Mr. Trump absolved the Kremlin for their attacks during a joint press conference with Russian President Vladimir Putin. President Trump drew sharp rebuke for the entirety of the presser from both sides of the aisle, with several prominent Republicans saying it was a capitulation to a man who had just perpetrated a hostile act against his own government.
Perhaps, in an effort to quell the attacks from members of his own party, Trump held a hasty press conference upon his return from Helsinki.
“I said the word ‘would’ instead of ‘wouldn’t,’” Trump told reporters at the White House, more than 24 hours after his appearance with Putin. “The sentence should have been, ‘I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia.’”
But then, this morning, in another interaction with the media, Trump took a mulligan on his do-over.
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“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and grab a pussy once in a while, you could miss it,” Trump explained to reporters from Breitbart, InfoWars, and a guy who makes KKK pamphlets in his mom’s basement. “I took some time yesterday to go back and watch the tape of the press conference and then me walking back what I said. To be completely sure, then I had Vladimir send me the transcripts from the recording he got to make. I didn’t get to make a recording, but you have to know when you can press your boss and when you can’t.”
After taking all the events of the last few days into account, Trump says he knew he had to come out today and take back his take-back.
“I meant to say I saw no reason it would wouldn’t be not not Russia! I don’t know why some idiots in the FAKE NEWS — have you heard me use that insanely clever term before, FAKE NEWS? — want to make it more confusing than that,” Trump said, before reiterating in a tone of self-assurance and hubris, “It would wouldn’t be not not Russia.”
Trump sat back at the Resolute Desk. He put his feet up, cracked open a Diet Coke, swallowed it down in three big gulps, then burped and farted at the same time. White House stenographers would later note that being the most intelligent presidential quote they’ve transcribed to date.
“There, I think that prettttttty much wraps this whole ordeal, including the THIRTEEN ANGRY DEMOCRATS WHO ARE ACTUALLY REPUBLICANS WITCHHUNT,” Trump said, smiling. “Boom. Just like they say in the game of Chest — Chex mix!”
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell issued a “joint statement of mutual outrage that will inspire zero effort on [their] parts.” This story is developing.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
