WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump issued an “Official Presidenting Decree” from the Oval Office this morning, demanding that Congress immediately pass legislation that bars discrimination based on “being a member of a lying, fascist crime syndicate and/or presidential administration.”
“I am sick to death of all the reports in the FAKE NEWS MEDIA about my toadies being booed, jeered, or kicked out of restaurants,” Trump said as he dragged his small hand across the order. “And I hereby use all my official presidentish powers to order Congress to make a law — which I will sign immediately — that adds fascist toadies to the list of protected classes that businesses can’t discriminate against.”
During the Civil Rights era, laws were enacted that made it illegal if employers are found to be discriminating against members of a protected class — such as African Americans, women, or senior citizens. Generally, the same rules have also been applied to the notion of “public accommodations,” a legal precedent that essentially bars businesses from creating a second class of customer they won’t serve based on immutable characteristics. Heretofore, someone’s political affiliation has only been considered off-limits as a basis for discriminating in employment decisions, however Mr. Trump clearly wants to change that.
“First Kirstjen gets booted out of the Mexican joint just because we’re hardcore anti-Mexican, then Stephen Miller, mein kleiner Hass füllte Würstchen, gets run out of a restaurant too,” Trump said. “But the Russian piss whore de resistance of course was Sarah getting chucked out of the Red Hen! I will not stand for this!”
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Trump said as he signed the order that he wanted to make it “crystal clear” that he was not making it illegal for businesses to discriminate.
“I respect the Taco Supreme Court, and they just ruled that a baker cannot be forced to bake a gay cake — what’s a gay cake? Is that a cake that only fucks other cakes,” Trump asked.
After ten minutes of discussion within Trump’s inner sanctum about what a gay cake might be, Trump returned to the subject at hand.
“Anyway, point is, I want you to keep discriminating against people who don’t stand for my flag or my anthem,” “Every uppity URBAN football player who dares to use their free speech should be probably sent back into slavery so they can see how good they have it now, but the point I’m making with this order is that it’s just my fascist little boot licking liars and sycophants I want to give a safe space too, is all.”
This story is developing.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.
