RIO ESTUPIDO, TEXAS — An eight year old girl from Honduras who was temporarily detained separately from her parents by ICE told news outlets this morning that she wasn’t at all surprised by the conditions of her concentration camp thanks to a Yelp review she’d recently read.

“Before Mother and Father brought me here,” the eight year old girl whose identity we are withholding because she’s a minor said to reporters today, “I wanted to study America as much as I could. I found out the American president is an alleged billionaire and businessman, and so I looked up some Yelp reviews of his businesses, to get a sense of the kind of mogul that was running America.”

What the little girl says she read in the Yelp review completely prepared her for what she went through in the old abandoned Circuit City she was rushed away to shortly after her family was stopped by ICE agents about five miles beyond the southern border.

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“I was in shock by being separated from my parents, but I was not shocked at all by how I was treated and the conditions of the concentration camp,” the little girl said. “If anything, the conditions in the camp were the least surprising or shocking thing. It was pretty much exactly how the Yelp review made it seem.”

After a couple of days in the detention center, the Honduran girl says she has a new, larger perspective on Trump the businessman.

“If Trump runs his hotels like he runs his concentration camps, I can see why he’d have to file for bankruptcy multiple times and couldn’t keep a casino in the black,” the girl said. “I have to imagine that I walked out of that camp today with the same sense of relief that someone checking out of a Trump hotel must feel, know what I mean?”

The White House did not comment on this story.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.