WASHINGTON, D.C. — Monday, as representatives and dignitaries from the Donald Trump presidential administration celebrated the opening of the U.S. embassy in Israel, more than 50 Palestinian protesters were killed and hundreds more were injured as they attempted to enter the Gaza Strip in protest of the embassy’s opening.
The decision to relocate the embassy within Jerusalem’s walls was historically quite fraught. Several presidential administrations had unofficially recognized it as Israel’s capital, but elected not to move the embassy within the city’s limits because of just how contentious control of the region is. The Israeli and Palestinian conflict has been raging for decades, and many felt opening an embassy in Jerusalem could send the wrong signal to Palestine and spark protests which could turn violent as they did in Israel today.
As protesters attempted to cross into Gaza, the Israeli government responded with tear gas and rifles. At the time of publication more than 50 people have been counted among the dead, many of them not even twenty years old. The Trump White House pinned the blame for the deaths squarely on Hamas — an Islamic terror organization — for the protesters’ deaths, despite other U.S. allies calling on Israel to show more restraint.
Just hours after the opening ceremony and the deadly events of the day, President Trump reportedly called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to “ask a favor.”
“Hey, Bibi my Heeb! What’s up? Gotta quick question for you,” Trump reportedly greeted Mr. Netanyahu.
The prime minister, with measured calm, greeted Trump.
“Mr. President, wonderful to speak with you, but I don’t think it’s appropriate to call me your ‘heeb’ like that,” Netanyahu replied.
Trump laughed.
“No offense meant, Bibi. I was just trying to do it like when the urbans call each other Daddy’s favorite word,” Trump explained. “Anyway, I have a favor to ask of you. Can you borrow me some of your border guards?”
Netanyahu wasn’t sure what Trump meant.
Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating.
“I’m not sure what you mean, Mr. President,” the prime minister answered. “Surely the U.S. has an ample budget for its own border control, does it not?”
Trump laughed again.
This time a tiny little fart came out too, which he blamed on Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who wasn’t in the room.
“Of course we do. In fact, a lot of people tell me we have the biggest budget they’ve ever seen, and that’s without me fishing for compliments on it,” Trump said. “I just think our guys aren’t as, oh, what’s the word I’m looking for here?”
The president paused to think. Forty five seconds later, he spoke.
“My guards just aren’t as ambitious as your guards, Ben,” Trump said. “I want my border cops to be as ambitious as yours are. You know, with their guns and the ‘pew pew!’ and the whatnot. I’m just sayin’ — you got a problem with some illegal brown skins on your border, and so do I. So let’s do a little wheelin’ and dealin’ here, know what I mean?”
Netanyahu now understood the president.
“I understand you now, Mr. President,” Netanyahu said. “I’m sorry to say though, I cannot loan you our border guards. If you want to commit brutal, ironic, or brutally ironic genocide you have to foot the bill yourself.”
Trump recoiled in horror.
“Pay the bill myself?! PAY THE BILL MYSELF?! PAY THE BILL MYSELF,” Trump yelled into the phone. “Do you know who I am?”
“You’re the President of the United States, sir,” Netanyahu replied. “But even the president has to pay his bills, Donald.”
Trump laughed extremely hard, and an even louder, much smellier fart escaped.
“Ben, I meant that I’m Donald Trump. I don’t pay my bills. Like, ever,” Trump said. “No biggie on the border cops, though. Just got an email from my pal David Duke and he has an idea for some guys we might be able to recruit.”
The president hung up.
James‘ satire is also found on:
Alternative Facts
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The Political Garbage Chute
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