WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has declared that the candy known as M&M’s can not come within 500 yards of the White House. Just hours after feeling “personally insulted” by the candies, according to sources very close to the situation, Trump declared that they should be forever banned from his administration.
“If I see a single M&M from this day forward,” Trump reportedly said, “I’m going to grab whoever put them in front of me by the pussy — not even in a good way — and I’m throwing them right out the fuckin’ White House, or Air Force One, wherever the frig we are, you got me?”
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The move comes after the president was given “disturbing and troubling” news from his adviser Kellyanne Conway that the candies had insulted him, rather harshly and publicly, in a rap song.
“I didn’t even know the little bastards could rap,” Trump reportedly bellowed at Conway, “let me guess, it was just the chocolate colored ones, right? Those chocolates never respect me! And now those disrespectful shits are mocking me? How dare they mock me? I never mock anyone, ever. I’m the most gentile and and mellow president ever, GOD FUCKING DAMN IT ALL TO PISS AND FUCK!”
Conway just nodded her head. She asked her boss if there was something he’d like to do about the insult, outside of banning the candies from the White House. Trump considered this for a moment.
“M&M’s are still made by the Mars company, right,” Trump asked Conway.
Ms. Conway confirmed that M&M’s are still produced by Mars. Trump then asked if the candies in question were “the regular or peanut kind.” Conway said she hadn’t heard the full details, but that it should be assumed it could’ve been any variety of M&M, even peanut butter or crispy.
“Well, I was afraid of that,” Trump said, “but what’s done is done. We simply cannot abide being insulted by sentient candies. Especially not if they’re from another planet for Chrissakes! I have no other choice, but to do something very drastic, that I’d been saving for North Korea.”
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Trump looked at the Resolute Desk. On it, the giant red button that launches nuclear strikes was calling to him, he’d later tell aides. He pressed it. A voice came on and asked him where he’d like to launch the strike.
“Mars,” Trump said with confidence, “the planet Mars. Blow it up. I don’t want a single M&M left unmelted.”
The voice hesitated.
“But, sir, are you sure,” the voice asked.
Trump confirmed.
“Yes, their thin candy shells will be no match for our nook-you-ler missiles,” Trump said with confidence, “So nuke Mars. NOW! NOW! NOW!”
After several tense moments, aides report Trump was shown a shiny object somewhere in the distance, on the White House lawn. He immediately forgot all about the insulting candies and nuking another planet. Chasing the shiny object, President Trump wasn’t heard from for the rest of the day.
This satire first appeared on Alternative Facts.
