In the wake of the incident at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, some new characters have emerged onto the national political scene. Operating under the new hashtag #NEVERAGAIN, some alleged survivors of the alleged shooting have been making appearances on network and cable TV, social media, and elsewhere, championing “common sense” gun reforms, and urging young people to vote for change, specifically for politicians willing to enact gun control measures.
One of the leaders of the movement, however, has come under increasing scrutiny. Many have found evidence they think proves David Hogg is a crisis actor — someone paid by the government or other shadowy figures to impersonate victims or survivors of mass casualty events. The president’s son, Donald Trump Jr., liked a tweet implying that Hogg was being coached and that he was perhaps helping to cover up for the FBI, which Hogg’s father used to work for.
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Normally, this kind of evidence alone is more than enough to convict someone not only in a court of public opinion, but also in the court of law, and we expect that Hogg will be dragged out of his house in cuffs, any day now, and taken to the same place they are locking Hillary “Killary” Clinton up. After all, if you can’t trust the Pulitzer Prize adjacent reporting of the likes of Mike Thernovich and Milo Yianolkjlkjasdflkjpolus, the Woodward and Bernstein of pedophile pizza ring conspiracy theories, then who can you trust, really?
But authorities may want to hold off on attempting to arrest Hogg for making false statements just yet, because we were sent a photo that we think blows the doors off this entire thing, and if the story told in the photograph is true, Hogg might have powers and weapons from another planet, and should be dealt with extremely cautiously.
We were sent the following image via a secured method of transmission — someone met us in the parking lot of the McDonald’s on Mission Avenue — and needless to say, we were shocked to our very core. It would appear, at first glance, that “David Hogg” is more than likely a 235 year old extra-terrestrial transgender robot clone. True, 235 years ago earthlings did not have photograph technology, but that’s not to say aliens didn’t.
So without any further delay, here is the photograph of what we believe is the 235 year old extra-terrestrial transgender robot clone, “David Hogg.”
The evidence is pretty damning, and it’s pretty conclusive. Instead of being a grief-stricken 17 year old young man who was politically activated by witnessing a horrific tragedy in his own school, a tragedy that included watching classmates shot at and killed, David Hogg is a 235 year old extra-terrestrial transgender robot clone. This makes literally the only sense possible. Denying that fact may keep us from ever really getting to the bottom of what actually happened on Valentine’s Day in Parkland, Florida.
Be safe out there, fam.
You can also find satire like this on The Pastiche Post and Alternative Facts.
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