WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation’s capital is abuzz and the rumor mill is churning at full speed after CNN broke a bombshell story last night. According to CNN’s reporting, FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller has filed his first criminal charges in his investigation of Russian meddling and possible collusion with the Donald Trump campaign, as well as any possible obstruction of justice charges stemming from Trump’s dismissal of FBI Director James Comey back in May. The report states that as early as Monday someone might be taken into custody as a result of Mueller’s charges.
This morning, a new twist developed. Mueller will reportedly be hand delivering the criminal charges to the Trump administration. Though it’s very highly unlikely that Trump himself is the subject of the charges, Mueller will be presenting copies of the charges to the White House in person for the purposes of discovery. But the twist is how Mueller will be delivering the charges.
“Mr. Mueller plans to buy a special dildo that his hollow and has a removable top or bottom, so that he can roll up the charges, stuff them into said dildo, and then hand deliver them to President Donald Trump and his team of legal advisers,” a spokesperson for the Mueller investigation told us.
RELATED: Hillary Clinton Personally Sews And Sends Paul Manafort An Orange Jumpsuit
Of note is the fact that by the time of publication, President Trump had not tweeted about or otherwise responded to the CNN story, which has been picked up by several major outlets. Notably, right-wing media has been fixated on a years-old uranium deal orchestrated between a Russian company and the United States government which was overseen by Hillary Clinton when she was Secretary of State, as well as by multiple federal agencies. Conservative media is also focusing on the fact that the Clinton campaign kept funding the now infamous Steele “pee pee tape” dossier that was initially funded by Republican donors for the Jeb Bush campaign.
“I wouldn’t expect Trump to respond to this directly,” one Republican aide on the hill said, “That’s what he has his team for. He’s carefully curated a team of the people most willing to obfuscate, lie, and deflect for him. Why put in effort himself? That’s simply not the Trump way.
Mueller will be including a small, hand-written note that will be tied to the dildo.
“I figured this way, one way or another you can go fuck yourself,” Mueller’s note is said to read.
This story is developing.
Some more satire for you to enjoy:
? Mueller Grand Jury Issues Subpoena For All Pussies Trump Grabbed Since June 2016
