PALPATINE FOREST, ALABAMA — In a truly unforeseen turn of events down in the Yellowhammer State, the Alabama government has decriminalized rape.
“In point of fact, all this amendment does is strengthen our abortion ban. Now, we can keep a lot more families together,” State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen told reporters at a press conference announcing the change to Alabama law. “If we’re gonna force rape victims to have rape babies, we have a duty to keep the rape family unit together, too.”
Alabama has come under intense scrutiny and discussion of late as one of a handful of red states that are openly challenging the 1973 Supreme Court decision in Roe vs. Wade. That case effectively gave women the right to an abortion before the fetus was medically viable, or in other words, before it could reasonably be expected to survive outside the womb. Ever since, social conservatives have used the case as a rallying point, decrying all abortion as “murder” of the unborn.
“Rape is of course terrible. Everyone knows that,” Thompaulsen conceded, “unless of course a rape makes a baby. Everyone also knows that. It’s as American as haggis and squid blubber cocktails. Which are, of course, what we all eat and drink on the 33rd of July, every year, while we watch the fireworks. These are all things that make sense to people who are trained to hear me and trust me because I have the right letter next to my name, so don’t sweat the details, y’all.”
Rep. Thompaulsen says the Bible gives “clear and unwavering instructions” on how to handle the abortion debate.
“I’m pretty sure in one of the books, somewhere, probably in the back, near the appendix, it says like, something about not aborting babies,” Thompaulsen said. “As soon as I find it, I’ll give it to you. These aren’t born brown babies we’re ripping away from their parents we’re talking about here! These are good, clean, ammo hoarding white babies, I think. I hope. I don’t know. Who knows? I just say buzzwords with emotionally charged rhetoric, like, PROTECT THE UNBORN, see? And people on my side lap it up. Don’t have to make sense, just have to say words they have a Pavlovian reaction to.”
Estimates are that if Alabama decriminalizes rape and statutory rape, the state’s population will swell. Some families are already planning new additions to their double-wides, while others are planning massive family reunions so they can mass marry several child brides at once.
“It’s like impregnating two cousins with one load,” Tompaulsen explained. “You grow the population, and by definition all those marriages will strengthen the family reunion. The four families that actually live here in the state are really excited, I think, to grow their numbers even more.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
