WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an extremely unlikely and unforeseen turn of events, the people of the United States of America agree in complete unison on a subject. In an even more bizarre turn of events, it was Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) who helped unite the country.
“I used to love porn,” Sam Skidoo told us, “but now, I fucking hate it. Once you find out Ted Cruz likes something, it’s literally impossible to like that same thing ever again.”
Mr. Skidoo was one of millions of Americans who have told friends, colleagues, family members, media, and polling companies that ever since Cruz liked a tweet that promoted pornographic content they have found themselves disliking porn with great intensity. The tweet that Cruz liked was sent by the user “@SexuallPosts.” Mr. Cruz’s official Twitter account liked the post on September 11th, making the situation even more awkward for a man whose political career is based on his professed Christian morality and American patriotism.
Cruz has since blamed the incident on a staffer having access to his account. In the last two days, literally every man, woman, and child living in the United States has registered disgust and sworn off porn. It started slowly, with a few bloggers and Twitter users deciding to withhold pornography from their lives after finding out Cruz liked porno too. Over the next forty-eight hours millions and millions of Americans said that porn had been utterly ruined for them.
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“If Ted Cruz said he liked getting handed a million dollars while eating lobster and getting a blowjob,” Susan Finkelstein, a 43 year old stay at home mother told NPR News this week, “I’d burn all my own money, switch to a vegan diet, and cut my husband’s dick off. And he’d UNDERSTAND. Because Ted Cruz is a piece of shit like most pieces of shit only dream to be one day.”
Greg Hartley, a 62 year old farmer in rural Iowa said he’s been “jerking it to and fro” to pornography for as long as he’d been sexually active. Hartley says that masturbation, to him, is a healthy part of anyone’s sex life and that pornography is a good tool that helps people find the release and gratification they are looking for. However, he said that Cruz’s tweet scandal has made him “rethink everything.”
“Fuck porn,” Greg said, “okay? Just fuck it. I’m not going to do anything even remotely or tangentially related to that bastard.”
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Helen Galoob of Westminster, New York is a 28-year old porn star. She said that she specifically chose the porn industry because she knew that “douchebags like Cruz” wouldn’t go anywhere near her. But now that she knows Cruz might himself like porn, she’s decided on a career change.
“I’ve decided to go work at the zoo,” Galoob told us, “because a life of picking massive heaps of animal shit is better than doing something that Ted Cruz might watch some day. If he ever comes to the zoo I work at, I’ll probably just kill myself.”
Of the approximately 330 million Americans, all unequivocally said they were giving up porn because of Cruz. Doctors in hospitals have reported that their coma patients have come to just long enough to say they were giving up porn because of Senator Cruz, and then slipping back into their comas. Park rangers at Old Faithful National Park report that the geyser stopped spewing hot liquid yesterday, and when they came upon it today, a note was there saying it had decided to stop watching the porn that had kept it spouting off for centuries, all because of Cruz.
Mr. Cruz could not be reached for comment.
