WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump was overheard making remarks today while being shown archival footage of the liberation of Auschwitz.
“Man, I wish Steve and Gorka could be here for this,” Trump was heard telling aides, “because they were the ones who requested to have this footage brought up from the archives. I have no idea why, but they kept laughing and giggling and tugging at their penises when they talked about it, so I thought for sure we were gonna see some vintage porno or something.”
While watching footage of allied soldiers freeing prisoners from the notorious Nazi death camp at Auschwitz, Trump noticed something in particular.
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“Would you look at the SIZE of that Jew crowd,” Trump asked rhetorically, “What a turnout!”
The room was reportedly silent for several moments after Trump made his observation. The president looked at several aides and advisers in the room, apparently checking for their agreement. He looked at Kellyanne Conway and raised his eyebrows suggestively.
“Oh, right, yes,” Conway said robotically, “that sure is a big…Jew crowd…being rescued from a concentration camp where they were the victims of unspeakable crimes against humanity, sir.”
Trump beamed.
“I know your non-presidential eyes aren’t as good as mine, Kellyanne,” Trump said, “so I’m glad you can see how large this Jew crowd is too, with your naked, untrained, non-presidential, plebeian eyes.”
Then, President Trump turned to Stephen Miller, who was finishing off his morning cocktail of human blood and more human blood.
“Stephen,” Trump began, “Do you think there were more people at my inauguration?”
Miller blinked.
“Mr. President,” Miller asked, “Are you asking me if there were more people at your inauguration than were liberated from Auschwitz?”
Trump nodded.
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“Well, um, considering that there were only about 7,000 prisoners left when we liberated the camp, sir? Yes, you had more people at your inauguration,” Miller confirmed.
President Trump snapped his fingers, stomped his feet, and let out a yelp that those in the room said must’ve been what the infamous “Rebel Yell” sounded like coming from Confederate soldiers in the Civil War. Trump danced around the room, spinning, and twirling. He was unmistakably happy.
“Hot diggity goddamn do,” Trump said, “I knew it! I just knew it! And the FAKE NEWS media won’t ever say it, so I better tweet it right now. Hand my Blackberry, Stephen.”
Miller got Trump’s Blackberry, which was just inches away from Trump’s fingers already, and placed it into the diminutive, awaiting digits of the most powerful man in the world. Trump’s fingers flew over the phone, and he read his tweet aloud as he crafted it.
“Confirmed: More people watched my inauguration than were liberated from Auschwitz,” Trump read, “Ask FAKE NEWS MEDIA why the won’t report it. Hashtag-sad.”
Ten minutes later, Trump sent one more tweet.
“All I’m saying,” Trump read out loud again, “is that clearly more people’s lives were saved the day I was sworn-in then when we got them out of the death camps. Obvs. Hashtag-Mag-A.”
