WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the Oval Office this morning, several highly placed sources report that President Donald Trump is fuming mad about what he’s calling a “witch hunt” against his son, Donald Trump Jr. The president was reportedly so irate at the media coverage of his son that he reached into his desk, got out a piece of paper with the words, “Government of Kenya” on it, and began furiously scribbling notes.
“I guess I don’t really need this thing anymore,” Trump said as he turned the paper over, “Though it really is a bummer that I never got to release this to the public, finally proving that after eight years of trolling him, I nailed that black guy’s ass to the wall.”
Trump explained to Sean Spicer the paper was President Obama’s long form Kenyan birth certificate.
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“Or, at least it’s a document some guy I hired to harass Obama about his birth certificate from Hawaii told me is Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate,” Trump explained, “You know I spent a great deal of my foundation’s money — excuse me, my own, personal money from my piggy bank — for years trying to find proof of his Kenyan birth. I hunted him. Oh, I hunted him like you hunt a witch…doctor. A witch doctor. I said witch doctor. WRITE THAT DOWN SEAN, I SAID WITCH DOCTOR.”
President Trump’s outrage comes after a bombshell New York Times report of a previously undisclosed meeting with Trump Jr. and a Russian lawyer linked to the Kremlin. The emails between the younger Trump and his contact show all parties were aware of the Russian government’s efforts to sway the election in President Trump’s favor. The subject line of the email chain even contains the word “Russia” in it.
“What the hell is the matter with the media? Why do they keep harassing my son baselessly,” Trump asked, “Just because he, and I, and everyone else associated with me have been obviously lying to the press and the American people about not colluding with Russia? Unfair! Sad! Bigly! Yooge!”
As Trump scribbled furiously on the back of the Kenyan birth certificate, sources say he got increasingly angry.
“I swear to God, these media types just need to get a life,” Trump yelled at no one in particular, “What, do they have nothing better to do? Get a life people! Stop picking on my son just because he tried to do some treason and collusion.”
President Trump says that his son’s genes and family tradition are another reason he should be “left the hell alone by the FAKE NEWS press.”
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“He didn’t succeed,” President Trump howled, “Jeez, he’s a Trump, of course he failed at what he tried to do. But just because someone tries to commit a crime, that doesn’t mean we put them on trial, do we?”
As he finished taking notes, Trump seemed to calm down just a bit.
“Christ on a cracker,” Trump lamented, “If I had known that when you become president people can look into your past and dig into your family’s history like this, I would have never let Steve convince me to me Secondary President!”
Former President Obama did not respond to requests for comment on this story.
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