KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus “Hubert” Christ was asked today during his regularly scheduled monthly press conference about the executive order that President Donald Trump signed this morning under the banner of “religious freedom.” Christ’s response was a blistering rebuke of Trump followed by what he called “a very appropriate response” that was “just as intellectually sound” as the Republican argument against Obamacare.
Jesus summed up his feelings by making the universal sign for giving someone a hand job.
Mr. Christ indicated that he’s extremely dubious about the real intent behind the order. He believes that it’s a “sneaky, backdoor way to force beliefs on people,” and Christ does not in any way endorse that kind of thing. He told heavenly reporters it was that exact kind of pious, judgmental behavior that he went to Earth to end over two millennium ago.
“I’ve never been the kind of guy who wants to force people to go to my party,” Jesus said, “but Republican Christians? They’re all about ramming their Christianity down people’s throats. Which technically is against what I taught them, but when the fuck is the last time you heard of a Christian conservative acting like a Christian?”
Jesus seemed to indicate he didn’t believe that American Christians had much room to complain about being persecuted over. He said that in his mind “it’s not persecution if you’re being asked to quit saying mean things to people just because you think they’re a sinner.”
“What fucking freedoms did they not have already,” Christ asked incredulously, “What, could they just not keep their bigoted bullshit to themselves and then vent it at their bigoted wife and bigoted children when they got back to their bigot houses? This ain’t about freedom, it’s about oppression.”
The Son of God told the reporters in attendance at the press conference that he doesn’t “buy this bullshit that America persecutes Christians.” He said that the fact that his alleged birthday is still celebrated as a national holiday, and that all the American currency pronounces a trust in his dad disproves that claim. Christ said he’s noticed that American Christians have an “uncanny knack for making excuses for not acting like Christians.”
“Oh, right, like I’m going to believe for one fucking second that douchebag did it for any other reason than to help Christians behave in an even more un-Christian way,” Christ said sarcastically, “If I thought that bullshit was in any way about making it easier for people to find true Christianity, the kind where you’re loving, compassionate, and non-judgmental, I’d jump for joy. But all this is going to do is hurt people who are already considered unworthy by a bunch of bigoted assholes. So, yeah, you know what I have to say about this stupid religious freedom bullshit?”
The repeal of Obamacare passed the House of Representatives very narrowly, 217-213 along mostly party lines.
Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.
