WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Senior Adviser and presidential son-in-law Jared Kushner has reportedly reached out to the Housing and Urban Development Secretary, asking him to perform a groundbreaking medical procedure on President Donald Trump.
Aides say that late last week, Kushner contacted Dr. Ben Carson and asked him to “take off his Housing Secretary hat and put on his brain surgeon’s scrubs” once more. Speaking on the condition of anonymity and turkey jerky from WalMart, one source confirms that the surgery would take place this summer, and that Carson would be doing work on Trump’s brain.
“Or at least the thing in his head that most would assume is his brain,” our source tells us, “because as anyone close to the president knows, it’s just farts and racist Breitbart headlines swirling around up there. Which is half the problem, Kushner thinks, and he wants to get his father-in-law something more closely resembling a human brain.”
According to our source, Kushner intends to have Carson perform what he’s calling “Frankenstein” surgery on the president. The procedure would swap out the “tangled mess of plutocratic drivel and right-wing conspiracies wrapped up in a tightly-wound bundle of shit-stained diapers” that is currently in Trump’s skull and replace it with a brain of higher intellect and cognition.
“The good news,” the source said, “is that we could literally take a chicken’s brain and slap it in there and it’d accomplish those goals. Not having to find a super-genius brain to replace Mr. Trump’s is quite a load off our backs, let me tell you.”
Mr. Kushner is becoming quite desperate to put a positive spin on his father-in-law’s presidency thus far. It has been marred with FBI investigations into Trump team dealings with Russia, who the intelligence community roundly believes hacked U.S. systems in order to help influence the election in Trump’s favor. It’s been set back by the failure to repeal and replace Obamacare, and even the airstrike in Syria that Trump ordered didn’t seem to accomplish much and hasn’t really born out in Americans trusting the president more.
“We’ve got to get this thing turned around,” the anonymous source said, “and everyone knows that. The last one term president was also a Republican. That weighs heavily on everyone here. As does the fact that we’re helping prop up a piss-haired tangerine tyrant who just got into the election game to try and squeeze more money out of his TV contract negotiations with NBC and now we’re legit worried he might start World War III over North Korea. But you know, YOLO.”
Dr. Carson did not reply to a request for comment as he was taking his traditional mid-morning nap, which he follows up with a noon time power nap, which is topped off with a late afternoon catnap, which of course leads him right into his early evening siesta.
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