KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — At his monthly heavenly press conference, Larry “God” Schumway announced that he would be sending his son back to Earth again, specifically to the United States, and even more specifically to somewhere in rural, middle America.
Mr. Schumway indicated that after watching people who call themselves Christian turn their backs on Syrian refugees and immigrants from much poorer, much more unstable countries, he’d “had enough.” God said that he had sent his son down to Earth the first time teach humanity to care first for the least among them, not last. But, after seeing Donald Trump elected and the wave of anti-immigrant, anti-refugee sentiment that helped sweep him into power, he knew that another “object lesson” was necessary.
“For my sake, these people are turning their backs on middle easterners that have no other place to go,” God said, adding that, “It’s a kind of irony you just can’t make up! His damn origin story includes a middle eastern couple desperately seeking shelter in their time of ultimate need. It was a theme of his life literally from before he was born.”
Schumway said that when he sends his son back to Earth, there will be some “minor modifications” made.
“For one thing, he’s going to look like he actually would have at the time of his first coming,” God said, “so you know, brown skin and features that make him look a lot like the people Republicans are turning away. Next, he’s going to get a new name. Refu-Jesus. It’s time to re-teach so-called Christians how they’re supposed to treat people who need help.”
God then brought his son up to the podium to take some questions.
“I wasn’t really planning on ever going back down there,” Jesus “Hubert” Christ said when asked if this should be considered his second coming, as foretold in the book of Revelations, “and I still can’t believe that in 2017 people on that planet don’t get that other humans wrote that Bible. It’s not like my dad or I were sitting next to them, just over their shoulder, reminding them of what we wanted to say. Stop taking shit so literally, people.”
Asked about his name change, Christ shrugged.
“It’s just part of the gig,” Refu-Jesus said, “sometimes you have to make changes when you’re the son of God and shit. Dad and I both agree that it’s gotten ridiculous to the point of insulting our intelligence with American conservative Christians, though, so whatever it takes. Refu-Jesus it is. Do I have any faith in it changing their minds? Of course not. They have the whole Bible in front of them, they could crack it open and see for themselves just how much the Republicans manipulate and coax the word into what they want it to mean and say. And they don’t. So…yeah.”
Refu-Jesus won’t just tackle attitudes of American Christians towards refugee and immigrant populations. Christ said there are “shit loads” of topics that American Christians have “gone completely off their tits” about. He’ll try re-teaching him in those arenas as well.
“They drug test welfare recipients,” Christ said, “because you know, I always made people pee into cups before I fed them. They want to force poor people to choose between healthcare and cell phones as if cell phones remotely cover the costs of healthcare, and they’re hiding the fact that they’re really just helping super-wealthy people get richer. The camel through the eye of the needle parable has been completely lost on them. Then there’s the idiotic notion that Dad and I give a fuck if you get an abortion are or are gay married. We have way more important shit to worry about, like, you know, keeping the entire known and unknown universes from falling down around our ears.”
There is not a firm time table for Refu-Jesus’ appearance, but both Schumway and his son Hubert said they will hold another press conference to announce the ETR — Estimated Time of Re-Apparition — when they have it.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
