WASHINGTON, D.C. — Junior Deputy Press Secretary Tom Thompaulsen admitted to reporters this week, in an effort to defend the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation debacle that embroiled President Trump’s Supreme Court Nominee in credible allegations of multiple acts of sexual impropriety, that rushing the confirmation through sends a message to survivors of sexual assault.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5s4ikrI4GYM

Thompaulsen told reporters that even though the Trump White House has “sent out several memos” demanding loyalty from all Americans, there are still some in the country who are “not on board” with Kavanaugh’s confirmation, and Mr. Trump wanted him to allay some fears and explain a few things.

“Look,  it might seem that we’re telling sexual assault survivors that our agenda is more important than they are,” Thompaulsen told reporters during a press conference at the White House, “and we are saying that!”‘

Jr. Deputy Secretary Thompaulsen paused, then continued.

“We’re also telling women that men are more important than they are and I think that’s important too,” Thompaulsen said.

Justice Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed by the slimmest margin in the Senate of any nominee in over 65 years. 

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.