HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA — Executives at NBC/Universal/Sheinhardt have announced that they will be resurrecting one of the television network’s most famous franchises.
Set in New York, the new show will be entitled “Law & Order: Trump Victims Unit.” The plot of the show will revolve around a special NYPD task force that was set up solely to investigate the various allegations of sexual assault or rape against 2016 Republican Presidential nominee Donald J. Trump. NBC execs said that Trump will play himself in every episode.
“We like to say that show is ripped from today’s headlines,” NBC/Universal/Sheinhardt Vice-President of New Programming Carol Sampson told reporters at a press conference announcing the networks new fall line-up, “and well, nothing is getting bigger headlines these days than the multitude of sexual misconduct claims against Donald Trump. We thought it the timing was perfect to bring back a flagship show, and give it a current twist.”
Citing the fact that over the last two weeks nearly a dozen women — from reporters to beauty pageant contestants — have alleged that Trump sexually assaulted or mistreated them in some way, Sampson said that Trump’s personal life is “clearly a bonanza of material.”
“This guy allegedly assaulted everyone from reporters to beauty queens,” Sampson said, “and he would hush them up with threats of lawsuits. This guy is a real-life bad guy. So we’re just excited the show’s going to happen and our tit of a titular character has agreed to play himself.”
At this time, it’s unclear if any of the previous actors who played police detectives, lawyers, or judges will return for the new version of the show. Trump, however, at a campaign stop in Ohio told the crowd he was “bigly excited” to get the chance to play himself. He also said that he expects to win an Oscar, even though “the Jews in Hollywood only give them out for movies right now.” After his rally, reporters caught up with Trump and asked him what would entice him to play himself, especially in a role where he’s very clearly a villain.
“For starters, it’s me,” Trump said, “and no one could play me better than me. Secondly, and this is bigly huge, bigly, bigly huge…I won’t really have anything to do after November 28th, Election Day. I’m being told that current projections put me losing perhaps worse than Mondale lost in ’84. All of this craziness about my sexually predatory behavior has tainted my brand enormously. So yeah, I’ll be needing a job soon anyway. Might as well be the best actor ever, just like I’m the best businessman ever and the best presidential candidate ever.”
Ms. Sampson said that if Trump hadn’t been available or wasn’t willing to play himself, the show’s producers had already worked out several solutions.
“We could have Trump played by an actor in good makeup and a terrible hair piece,” Sampson said, “or we even considered casting a literal orange highway garbage bag and filling it with hot diarrhea and attaching a Bluetooth speaker so it can belch out Breitbart and Infowars headlines.”
Production on “Law & Order: Trump Victims Unit” is slated to begin in early January, with a debut scheduled for later in 2017.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
