NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Though he’s blasted the scheduling, word out of the Donald Trump presidential campaign is that the alleged billionaire and confirmed reality-TV D-List attention whore is in “deep debate prep.”
“We have been pumping Mr. Trump full of what we know he will need to beat Hillary Clinton in the debates,” Trump adviser Sean Williams told the media at a press conference this morning, “and we are tailoring our approach to what Donald does best.”
Williams said after weeks of careful study and some “hotly contested internal debates,” Mr. Trump’s team decided on the kinds of information they would “try to stuff into his brain.” They acknowledge that Ms. Clinton “probably has way more experience and intelligence on matters of foreign and domestic policy” but they feel as a group that what they’re filling Trump’s head with will be “everything he needs” to succeed.
“Farts. Pure, unadulterated farts,” Williams said when asked what exactly he and his colleagues are filling Trump’s head with, “because everything he says in the intellectual equivalent of a fart anyway.” He added that “to Trump supporters, it literally doesn’t matter what he says as long as it’s loud, obtrusive and doesn’t pass the smell test,” just like a fart.
According to Mr. Williams, after several lengthy discussions, it was determined that Trump’s greatest strength in debates is “spewing utter bullshit” which his advisers agreed lent itself to a fart-filled head strategy.
“If you look at Donald’s Politifact file you can see that the overwhelming majority of the claims he makes are at least somewhat untrue,” Williams told reporters, “and a good healthy number of them are outright lies, with almost 20% of his claims rated as Pants on Fire. Someone that full of shit actually needs farts in their brain to keep the thoughts in there as putrid and horrible as possible.”
The Trump camp has some contingency plans in effect for the nights of the debates, should some farts leak out of their candidate’s skull, leaving him “dangerously low on fart juice.”
“We plan to have Newt Gingrich just off stage,” Williams said, “and he will be on a strictly Taco Bell-only diet. If Trump looks in the least bit fatigued up there, we’ll have him ask for a commercial break and then he can go with Newt to some corner somewhere. Then Newt can just blast more farts and conservative ideology into his Trump’s mind nuggets.”
The first debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is scheduled for Monday, September 26th, 2016.
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